paragon of pretentious vernacular

gong xi fa cai!

2012-01-26T03:23:00.002+13:00

Wishing all my readers near and far a very happy and prosperous new year! May the year of the dragon bring you good health, great wealth, peace and happiness.

four seasons, langkawi

2012-01-26T02:35:00.001+13:00

sunday musings...

2012-01-15T20:10:00.001+13:00

I admire women who are in top management and good at what they do. We all know the work place is a war zone or a much exagerrated version of high school. There is plenty of back stabbing and politics involved and being merely a hard worker with proficient technical knowledge isn't sufficient to get you to the top. Achieving a role with power and authority requires social skills, a large network, the ability to be diplomatic and most importantly, allies that can help you get there. I've observed my female bosses in their natural element - they do not show one hint of emotion, are always on their feet anticipating their enemies' next moves, are extremely good with words (having extensive vocabulary and demostrate superior public speaking skills) and they possess the innate ability to manipulate people into believing they have their best interests' at heart.

I've often struggled with my relationships at work - with my colleagues especially. I work in a predominantly female environment so there is no lack of catfights, drama and estrogen running around. I try my best to detach myself away from the toxicity and negativity that surrounds the battle ground but in alienating myself, I have not had the opportunity to create successful alliances with anyone. And we all know, alliances are crucial to winning a war. They provide support and invaluable resources. Building friendships at work (or even in life) constantly remain a challenge to me - I simply do not have the patience to deal with people's inevitable personality flaws and quirks.

Now, through my years of working, I've realized that often the best reaction, when confronted with unreasonable requests and deadlines or inflicted with blame and injustice, is to not give one. Most employees (and employers) are adverse to conflicts so there are no benefits derived from flogging a dead horse. Best we can do in any given situation is to respond accordingly and simply move on. After all, there is no point winning the battle only to lose the war.

...Death is the essential condition of life

2012-01-07T02:12:00.000+13:00

I have been thinking a lot about death lately. Not that I wish to start 2012 on such a sombre note but with age catching up on me, and also the people around me, maybe I should start taking our mortality a little more seriously. I used to think dying would be just like falling into a deep, peaceful slumber...only that it's for an infinite amount of time. It didn't used to scare me, in fact I accepted it as a natural progression from life. Lately however, I've been having different sentiments about death. I wish I can delay it or better yet, eliminate the inevitable completely, not so much as for myself but for the people I know and love.

I've only experienced death once. My paternal grandfather died 11 years ago and the whole ordeal was surreal. It was hard to coming to terms with losing someone you used to see every day. I remember someone telling me "Take one last look before we seal the coffin". The finality of that one single act is astonishing, it hits you once again that the person is gone from you, from this world forever. Even the lifeless body no longer contains the person you once knew, it's merely a shell, stripped bare from his or her soul.

I wonder how dying feels like. Painful, tormenting, what kind of emotions will pass, what our last thoughts will be. I don't think it will be entirely painless. Breathing is a natural instinct and when we die, we cease to breathe. Suffice to say, struggling to breathe will be no walk in the park. Much like drowning, gasping for air. Death goes against everything we have been accustomed to in this life. Breathing, surviving, living...Or maybe life and death are just two sides of the same coin.

I read this on my friend's Facebook wall once, that in creating life, we are also simultaneously creating death. The paradox of living, only to eventually die boggles my humble mind.

2012

2012-01-01T03:25:00.002+13:00

Had to excuse myself from the celebrations in conjunction with the New Year. Am having a severe case of the blues hence the need to be solitary. I am definitely an official hermit.

My resolutions for 2012: -

1) Read. Easy books do not count.
2) Study.
3) Strive to achieve a sustainable wardrobe. Avoid flirty, full skirts - too girlish and makes you look extra feminine. Check the labels for the type of fabric. Do not buy on impulse. Money is better invested in ~~property~~ gold (jewellry). It can be displayed on your neck, wrist, fingers and the value still does not depreciate.
4) Be vegetarian on the 15th day of the month as per the lunar calendar.
5) Donate blood at least once.
6) Find and pursue your passion. This is the something that has been eluding me most and continues to elude. I just can't seem to find an area of interest that I will both simultaneously enjoy and earn money. Whatever my passion is, I know it's not tax and I hope I find it soon.

I need a reason to wake up every day. Somewhere I look forward to going, doing something purposeful. Idleness and boredom are my old time friends and I need to dump them immediately.

Hope all of you have a prosperous 2012!

another year has flown by...

2011-12-30T03:41:00.000+13:00

I went back home for Christmas to see my folks hence the lack of posts recently. While we do not celebrate Christmas per se, we certainly got caught up with the revelries and frenzy that the festivities caused. Traffic was maddeningly hectic, the sun was scorching hot but it trully felt like Christmas to me because I was surrounded by delectable food and people I love.

I saw this bracelet (10 grams of 916 gold) which was approximately 2 grand in a goldsmith shop at Campbell Street and I came out of the shop severely devastated because yet again, my bank account has failed me.

Some other snapshots...

And finally, Happy New Year to one and all! It's my favorite holiday because it's a universal celebration - everybody gets together to usher in the new year!

christmas is coming! jumps around, jumps around!

2011-12-19T02:43:00.000+13:00

Some christmas decoration at my office for the Secret Santa event. I got a lousy bracelet charm that probably cost less than RM10 (the budget was RM10 - RM15). Last year, I received a hair clip. I actually confronted the giver about this (yes, yes, I reek of immaturity). I swear, she and her friends must have bitched about me. What are the odds that her friend turned out to be my Secret Santa this year? That whole team must hate my guts. Whatevs.

I gave out a Hello Kitty shower gel that cost me RM15 (exclusive of wrapping which was another RM3).

Karma isn't really on my side this time. Never mind, there's always next year.

Awesome meringue and tarts (not forgetting the gingerbread man) from Thyme, Damansara Uptown. I'm in love with their cream cheese buns (not shown) which I consume on an almost daily basis. No wonder my cellulite refuse to leave my ass.

random musings

2011-12-12T21:49:00.001+13:00

I went a little crazy over the weekend (thank you PMS) and spent an excessive amount of hard earned money at Zara. I'm reeling with shock right now and the consequences are finally registering - no money for my annual check up at the local dentist and also, Christmas presents for family / friends and some membership fees I have to pay to the accounting board. On top of all this, I am still in debt (like massive debt thanks to the handbag which I have yet to finish paying off to my debtor).

I don't know how I ended up in the accounting and finance industry when my own finances are in such a dire situation. To make things even worse, the temptation to spend is everywhere...weekends are the absolute worse, given all that idle time. Maybe I should take up an inexpensive hobby, like bird watching or something.

Does anybody know how I can generate more income for myself to fund my passion for acquiring stuff? Help...I am held captive by materialism!

guys say the darnest things

2011-12-12T00:52:00.001+13:00

Today, I wore a green chiffon sheer blouse with nothing underneath (except for a bra, of course) as I thought that a camisole will serve to detract the beauty of the color.

Unfortunately, the response I received was less than complimentary. Someone said I looked like a beetlenut girl. No offence against beetlenut girls in Taiwan - but he just didn't mean it in a positive way. Wawawa.....

Yay, I'm on holiday tomorrow! It's the Sultan's birthday...Chennie, don't be too jealous of me okay, I will be back on Tuesday! :-)

the weekend that was

2011-12-05T01:23:00.001+13:00

This was what I wore yesterday to a newborn's full moon party. I figured that bright colors are appropriate for happy, joyous ocassions like these! The shirt is made of silk and it's rather loose but I think it's meant to be oversized to achieve that casual, breezy look.

I saw "Bad Teacher" on DVD yesterday and I want Cameron Diaz's wardrobe in the movie! Although the movie got panned by critics and received a 5.8 rating on imdb.com, I enjoyed it very much. I liked the fact that she was a bitch, had very few redeeming qualities and made no apologies about it. I cannot stand "Mary Sues" - fictional characters that can do no wrong and has every male fawning over her physical good looks and her heart full of love, compassion, kindness and virtue.

I am currently reading Haruki Murakami's IQ84. He used to be my favorite author (I reread Kafka on the Shore many, many times), but I'm not sure if that's still prevalent. Maybe I've become lazier and can no longer digest long, epic novels.

I also made a strawberry slice cake and packed some for the boyfriend (if you've been following my entries closely, you'd picked up that we had a spat recently which resulted in us not seeing or speaking to each other for appoximately 14 days). Sc-hweet!!

hell on earth

2011-12-03T03:03:00.001+13:00

Every weekday I have to deal with this madness. The place I work in is like the eye of a hurricane - volatile and unpredictable. There are new challenges to be tackled everyday, be it technical or interpersonal issues. Too many hormonal women in the same perimeter is bound to drive one straight into the asylum. I'm glad I will not have to see this place for the next 2 days. Temporary relief from this hellhole!

i find a fatal flaw in the logic of love

2011-11-28T03:01:00.001+13:00

The truth was...I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. Yet the incomprehensible has become my present reality and I am amazed at how (relatively) easy it is to revert to existing without being with you. And then I wonder, if it is easy for me, then it must be a breeze in the park for you. Although I am constantly surrounded by places and objects that remind me of you, I refuse to acknowledge the loneliness and pain. I keep telling myself to be strong and go on. In saying that, I have successfully deluded myself into believing that I can go on living without you.

It's funny how the sun still shines and the clock still ticks, even when your own world has collapsed into shambles. Maybe life really does go on. Maybe in the near future, the memory of us will be just that, a kaleidoscope of moments and events that have past, are gone and will never be found again. Or maybe, better still, we'll create a future we never envisoned we could have.

innate ramblings

2011-11-27T03:54:00.001+13:00

I went for a facial today and now, it looks like there are a handful of red spots on the left side of my forehead :(. Sighh....I am so envious of those girls with dewy, rosy, blemish free, glowing complexion. Why is the state of my skin deteriorating and what can I do to rectify this problem?

A few weeks ago, when the SEA games were still going on, one of the dispatch guys in my office told his colleague "Eh, you tak nampak ke...KW dalam televisyen?" KW refers to a national volleyball player who also happens to be my cubicle mate. I don't know why but I kind of found this exchange cute. Number one, the dispatch guy is in his 50s and number two, he is Malay and KW is Chinese. Moments like these convinces me that the spirit of 1 Malaysia is more than a propaganda instigated by the government, but rather something real and achievable.

in a perfect dream...

2011-11-25T03:32:00.001+13:00

I have a severe case of the blues. I wish I had all the answers in life.

"Aku kan menghilang dalam gelap malam
Lepas ku melayang
Biarlah kubertanya pada bintang-bintang
Tentang arti kita."

-Peter Pan-

random stuff

2011-11-21T00:13:00.001+13:00

sob sob...Monday is upon us once again. I hate Mondays with the passion of a burning suns. Starting your week with e-mails that read as follows:

1) Where are we on this?
2) What's the progress on this?
3) Why have we not done this?
4) I'm surprised this has not been done
5) I'm shocked this has been done

are not only depressing but also demotivating and crushes your very soul. She (the boss) is merely a user and an abuser. She loves to trick (con) her team into accepting opportunities that she deems is good for our careers but her intention is actually to make slaves out of us. Don't think I can't see through your conniving ways, bossie
:-)!

I bought a cobalt blue cardigan yesterday but the length almost reaches my knee. It resembles a bathrobe so maybe I'll wear it at home instead over sleep wear. When it comes to shopping, I have zero clue how to buy clothes or shoes that are sustainable. Everything wears and tears so easily thanks to clothing manufacturers that compromise on quality for the sake of reducing costs.

I'm currently re-reading "One Day" by David Nicholls. I wonder if the movie is any good. Anne Hathaway grates on my nerves (only second to Natalie Portman). Maybe I'm unconsciously jealous of her ~~boobies~~ body. Into the Wild (Jon Krakauer) is also on my reading list but I can't seem to follow as it's just too sad. How does one turn his back from civilization, walk away and live a life devoid of material things? The mysteries of the human mind never ceases to amaze me.

On an unrelated note, Oh, to live the life of a lingerie model. Miranda Kerr and Doutzen Kroes, no one else makes motherhood as appealing and attractive as the two of you!

rawr!

2011-11-18T01:07:00.001+13:00

I wore this to work yesterday - my pussy bow leopard print blouse which I purchased a couple of weeks back. It was well received by my colleagues; someone even commented that I looked like one of the partners in the firm which was a huge compliment (to me anyway) because she's got some style!

Tomorrow is casual Friday at work so I'll be wearing my skinnies and because the weather is cool these days I'll also throw in a navy blazer for good measure :-). Bring on the weekend, I wanna do some baking, make a card for one of my best friend's birthday in December and watch DVDs. For those who haven't seen it, please go watch Melancholia - if only for the opening and closing scenes. The final shots totally blew me away. A few nights ago, I could relate to how Kristen Dunst's character's felt before the planet collided with Earth - calm, serene and accepting of her fate. Tonight, not so much. As humans, our natural instinct is to survive and thrive, whatever challenges that may come our way.

the week in photos...

2011-11-12T03:16:00.001+13:00

The places only life can take you to are often dark and dreary. However, the paradox lies in the fact that it is also undeniably magical and compelling, if you look hard and close enough.

cooking lunch!

2011-11-08T02:02:00.000+13:00

Today being a public holiday with plenty of time to kill (actually not really, I am merely procrastinating on doing important things), I decided to undertake a seemingly impossible task (to me anyway) - cooking! Me and domestic duties do not jive well together, you know with me being a lazy, impatient cow (2 attributes which serve as stumbling blocks when attempting to be a domestic goddess). Anyway, this was what I made - fried salmon, lotus seed soup and brocolli with oyster sauce (not shown).

To my surprise, it didn't taste too bad, was more than just edible so clearly, I was doing something right. Hehe. This definitely serves as an encouragement for me to improve my culinary skills, so that in the future when I get hitched, my future hypothetical family wouldn't starve to death! ;-)

On a totally unrelated matter, my dragon lady of a boss made me an offer that I had already refused but being the egomanical, controlling freak that she is, she is insistent that I accept her proposal. I do not know how to decline and reject without offending. Tact and subtlety are skills I am obviously incompetent at.

this week in photos

2011-10-31T00:49:00.000+13:00

Didn't take much photos the past week due to a horrific exam, commencement of work and other inconsequential matters which were not worthy of being captured. Things to do this coming week: fight cellulite (Please leave my ass, you are unattractive), go see a world renowned choir in the philharmonic hall, wear a leopard print pussy bow top, eat more fruits and attempt to figure out what doing the right thing means.

i have the blues...

2011-10-28T02:15:00.000+13:00

I am such a wannabe. I wanna be Rumi Neely. If you haven't heard of her before, google her up please. She's only like the best fashion blogger ever and I want her life. But then again, I seem to want everyone else's life except my own. I discovered through FB that an ex flame has somehow magically gotten hitched. I sort of convinced myself that he would have spent all the time that we were apart pining for me. I was upset, envious (at his wife) and sulked for a while. Not because I particularly want to be with him, but in a strange, surreal kind of way, I felt that he chose her over me.
And rejection hurts, even at a metaphysical level. Sometimes I wonder if we ever trully get over our ex lovers. Or does a part of them remain in you forever? When you lose the person, do you lose a part of yourself as well? Before I fall asleep every night, I tend to play accidental scenes from childhood in my brain. I see friends I haven't spoken to in years. They appear in my head like a reel from an old movie. I am tempted to poke, message, call, e-mail but when the new day begins, I lose courage and tell myself to let sleeping dogs lie. I guess I no longer know what to say to them. Somewhere along the way, we have allowed ourselves to become complete strangers.

I mourn the memory of you, of us, of our past and shared history.

"Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence".

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow-

wealth maximisation

2011-10-23T00:13:00.000+13:00

I've been thinking of starting my own business for a while now ever since the downsizing and restructuring that has taken effect at my work place. Relying solely on employment income these days is just insufficient. Yeah sure, it's enough to sustain your day-to-day living ("kais makan pagi, kais makan petang") but it does not provide you with opportunities to buy stuff and do the things that you really want. I'm constantly amazed by the rising costs of living (yes I know this has got to be the most repeated phrase ever). I don't know if it's just a country specific thing but Malaysia is ridiculously expensive from the perspective of a consumer. Our purchasing power, ringgit and earnings are sub par and low. My monthly income goes to rent, utility bills, parking fees (nothing is for free yo!) car installment, fuel, groceries, a small contribution to my parents, meals and other random, unforeseen and unpredictable expenditures. This does not leave me much money for savings or shopping excursions, let alone money to set aside for travels. How do people afford travelling? It's a legitimate question and one that I would love to have the answer to. Do banks offer short term loans solely for the purpose of travelling? Like a travel loan?

Being in the accounting and finance industry and more specifically, preparing tax returns for rich people, I am aware that some jobs in certain industries are highly well paying. Engineering in oil and gas companies for instance. Those folks in exploration and down stream activities earn six, seven figures per annum (salary, benefits, allowance, etc), inclusive of incentive compensation (restricted stocks, share options, employee purchase plans, etc). Banking is also another lucrative industry with their huge bonuses and other performance related rewards. The rest of us who are unfortunately not engineers, investment bankers, consultants or partners in accounting firms earn a less than marginal income. We are overworked, underpaid and we have zero quality of life. We go through an unlimited amount of stress, conflict and challenges every day. We are expected to deliver, meet and exceed goals, objectives that has been set. Some of us may be rewarded for our hardwork in lieu of a promotion, increment in salary or bonuses. Of course, the possibility that your hardwork may go unnoticed is warranted, if you have zero political skills or ass kissing abilities, you are likely to receive a big fat zero.

Which leads me back to my concern - seeing that my current employment is unprofitable, costly (stress, parking, unpaid overtime ("charity"), etc) and unequitable, I have decided to perhaps start my own business. Probably just a small one first and we'll see how it goes. I'll probably make stuff to sell. My idea - party favors. Of course there's a whole list of issues to consider before commencing (capital, resources, consumer needs, market price, etc) but if I do not start somewhere, I will probably get nowhere. And nowhere is not a destination I desire to be at.

So, stay tuned!!!

the week in photos...

2011-10-20T17:15:00.000+13:00

the week that was

2011-10-17T00:36:00.000+13:00

It was the boyfriend's birthday a few days back and I gave him nothing, not even a card. This goes to show what a fantastic girlfriend that I am! He should be soo proud to have me! Coincidentally, my younger brother's birthday also fell on that some day but amazingly enough, I actually found the time to buy, write and send him a card! I am such an awesome sister! But then again, I mooch off my younger sibling aplenty, always ~~demanding~~ requesting him to buy me stuff from overseas, so I should at least return the gesture.

Late last week, I had some administrative issues to be settled with my employers which kept me occupied while I was on leave. My cheapskate employers could not bear to part with their money to pay for my Singaporean taxes (which arose thanks to their decision to second me there during the peak filing season) and thus, I had to adhere cumbersome administrative procedures (obtain the duly signed tax certificate residence from the Malaysian tax authorities, a letter of confirmation from my employer confirming that the costs of my salary were entirely paid by the local entity, and the signed Form IR 21). Thanks to a leech sucking el cheapo professional hell hole, I had to sacrifice my precious study time to partake in a process that will reduce taxes for them but serves no benefit to me, where is the logic in this!!!!!

I spent all of yesterday and most of today stuck in a classroom with 140 other students engaged in a Strategic Management Accounting workshop. I wish I could say I am glad to no longer be a student and in college but come to think of it, the office is just an adult version of high school with the customary cliques and cliches (the popular ones, the nerds, the jocks, the fat guys with caps, the smoking trio, the skinny girls with denim mini skirts, etc). Except that in the working environment, the stakes are much, much higher and there is real and huge money involved. Sadly, the fat guys still exist but at least they no longer wear caps. Apologies for the bias and discrimination against body size (shape) but guys judge women on our bodies all the time so fair's fair.

Oh, I wanted to write about this before I forget - someone told me I had smelly hair. Not very kind words but I guess I really do have an oily (and smelly) scalp. For those with this problem, I recommend washing your scalp with vinegar and lemon. The lemon made my eyes tear and vinegar smells weird but at least my scalp isn't mouldy anymore. Remember to shampoo every day and dry it well afterwards!

sunny sunday

2011-10-09T22:24:00.000+13:00

Today, I did a little bit of this (like 25 minutes in total?). I really should be doing more of this and less of whatever I am presently doing (browsing and blogging).

And I wore this to run some errands and chores (you know like banking - paying debts to be more specific!). This is my favourite weekend uniform - denim cutoffs (not store bought, it was really cut out from a pair of jeans by my mom), Country Road pin-striped shirt (I love long sleeved shirts that can be worn casually as opposed to being worn as formal wear. In fact, I no longer even wear shirts to the office, they don't flatter my body when worn with high waisted skirts as the proportions look weird. The shirt is too loose but the skirt is too tight) and some Havs slippers or ballet flats. Speaking of which, I'm looking for a pair of leopard print ballet flats. Rawr! Oh and I forgot, my newly acquired Bayswater satchel! *Hearts*

stuff dreams are made of

2011-10-09T17:03:00.000+13:00

Look what the bird brought me! Lolz, seriously I have no idea why the bird is part of the packaging. A bird perched on a Mulberry tree perhaps? Lolz...apasal tiba tiba aje ada burung!?

I wasdebating between the Alexa, the classic Bayswater and this for the longesttime. The Alexa was selling for about five grand (in ringgit. Why the hell isour currency so poor? This detracts us from doing a lot of things in life,mainly buying imported goods and travelling) and the classic Bayswater remindedme of something a middle aged woman would carry. The Bayswater satchel came ina few colours on the website (with different types of leather) but here inthird world Malaysia, the store only stocked 3 colors, the black, oak andanother seasonal color in lambskin. The oak had white stitching that in myopinion, looked like a fake - imitations that I've been seeing praticallyeverywhere so I finally settled on the black. It came out to me cheaper than Ihad initially estimated (although the term cheap here is relative).

Thewhole experience of shopping at the store was pretty good, the sales peoplewere professional and knowledgeable about their products, the packaging was asgreat (if not better) as I had imagined it to me (I am a huge sucker forribbons and nicely wrapped stuff. Sometimes, it's even more crucial than thecontent itself!!! Presentation is imperative). In addition to that, they threwin some freebies (a diary, a Mulberry tote shopping bag, a Haegan Daz voucherand a guide to their AW 2011 collection).

I havea strong suspicion I could easily get addicted to this whole high fashionthing. I am already envisioning my next purchase - something small from Pradamaybe? Ugh, maybe I need to get a second job to sustain my love for luxury.Evidently, being in accounting and finance does not afford me with the abilityto spend on things (frivolous possessions!) that I desire.

mulberry, come to me

2011-10-08T03:08:00.000+13:00

On an entirely superficial note, tomorrow I will be taking a giant step forward in life. A few days away from my 27th birthday, I have decided to purchase a luxury object that costs more than my monthly salary. It's a status symbol and it's such a contrivance - carrying or wearing an object, trying to prove to the world that you are bigger than everybody else, richer, hotter, smarter, etc etc etc...

When will I learn that confidence comes from within and not from possessing expensive inanimate objects? What the hell do I know about confidence anyway, I have none.

Death is very likely the single best invention of life.

2011-10-08T02:55:00.002+13:00

All those people condemning the global mourning of Steve Jobs ought to be shot for their lack of sensitivity. What is wrong with the outpouring of grief over a revolutionary inventor and respected businessman for his immense contributions to society? Of course, thousands of people die daily, many of which are senseless. Deaths are inevitable and we were born to die. What made his death different from other deaths was that he was an icon, an inspiration to millions of computer geeks and aspriring entrepreneurs. He was courageous. He dared to be different. People may not have a personal connection to him but the emotional connection that a user has with his or her I-Phone / I-Pad / I-Pod may well translate into a personal connection with the inventor himself.

We acknowledge his death and we celebrate his life. Why is this frowned upon by naysayers who critisize that we are over the top with our sentimentality and expressions of grief? Say I meet a friend who's relative has died, would I not say "Sorry to hear about your loss"? My hypothetical friend and his or her relative who died is unknown to me, so should I not extend my condolences? Is this hypocritical? Am I demeaning and belittling the deaths of other people? As if implying that their deaths are not as important?

All these negative people should get a life. They are probably just jealous of Steve Jobs and the fact that when they do die, their passing will never generate such an enormous amount of attention. Changing the world and the way we live is no easy feat. Recognition should be given when it's due. He makes us believe that with determination and imagination, the possibilities are infinite. And that creation of hope itself is trully more profound and life changing than any of his inventions.

artsy fartsy

2011-10-03T03:03:00.000+13:00

I made this calendar for the boyfriend for Christmas last year. It was pretty time consuming but so worth it because it turned out to be a project I greatly enjoyed. I love making stuff for other people, even if some of these "gifts" are rather meaningless and serves no purpose other than looking pretty (or ugly, depends on the individual). The bunny birthday card (or is it a bear?) is Korean made (I love Korean stationery!) and it should be mailed over to Toronto soon, just in time for my younger brother's 21st birthday! I know, I know, it is so not masculine but what the heck, in cases like these, it's definitely the thought that counts! What do males like as gifts anyway? I'm sure they go for practicality and functionality rather than cutesy and delightful.

note to self!

2011-10-03T01:55:00.002+13:00

I am such a boring loser. All I do is browse through other people's blogs. As if in doing so, my life will somehow magically transform into theirs. Where do people find the income to fund their expensive lifestyles? Lanvin, Mulberry, Chanel, glamarous clothes, exotic travels, cocktails?

Whoever came up with the idiotic saying "Money doesn't buy happiness" ought to be effing shot. Everything comes with a price tag, in fact, everybody comes with a price tag. My friend proved her point when she bought some expensive jewelry for a girl who swears she's not a bisexual or a lesbian but at the sight of the cyan colored box and white ribbon, she immediately switched her sexual preferences. I am convinced if I went to work in a Mini Cooper, and carried Prada instead of some cheapskate handbag, I'd be fawned upon and worshipped even by upper management. Money is power and power is impossible to resist.

If I ever became rich by some kind of miracle or divine intervention, I will resign from my mind numbing job at some hell hole in a dirty, under developed, third world nation and I will go to places I could only admire from glossy snap shots or those pseudo artistic black and white photos other people took from their travels. Why can't I be them? Everything looks better in photographs. Memories are indeed be created by Nikkon.

Fuck this life, fuck this life. Sherry, you can do better than this. Mulberry, Louboutins, Paris, Maldives are not just the lives of others, it can be your reality too. Make it happen, do whatever it takes. Tomorrow is Monday, a brand new day. Everyday is an opportunity for you to formulate a more colorful and exciting life for yourself. Your current existence is a big fat fail and will continue to be if you just sit there and continue browsing, browsing, browsing. Remember to kiss more ass tomorrow at work, be all smiley (employers love cheerful, upbeat employees who radiate positivity), dress chicly with sky high heels and fake it, until you eventually make it.

P/S Oh don't forget you have a Strategic Management Accounting exam on the 26th of October which if you don't start studying, you can kiss your chances of a better employment, job position, higher salary (and subsequently more funding for your Mulberry Bayswater) goodbye.

dreams dreams dreams

2011-06-25T22:04:00.002+12:00

It's 7.11 pm on a boring Saturday, I'm somewhere in Jurong East, hungry, missing my wonderful spacious apartment (3 bedrooms, 2 toilets all to myself. It's the only reason why I love Selangor D.E.) and I'm thinking about some people I haven't seen in ages (as in like years), some of whom are ex best friends and others, lovers :D.

I wonder if in a different life or in a parellel universe, I am an accomplished pianist / journalist, well-travelled, speaks 4 languages, a competent swimmer, 5 feet 9 with wavy, thick, luscious brown hair, have perky, full breasts, reads Great Literature, writes Great Literature, plays Mozart, and hangs out with royalty / athletes / rockstars / models.

No woes, no misery in hypothetical me. Just sunny and carefree :-).

Hokkien New Year!

2011-02-11T01:59:00.003+13:00

Tonight is the 8th night of the new Lunar calendar, which signifies Jade Emperor God's (Thnee Kong) birthday otherwise known as the Hokkien New Year. It is believed that the Hokkiens escaped mistreatment by a ruthless army in ancient China and seeked refuge in a sugar cane plantation only to emerge unharmed on the 8th day of Chinese New Year.

I am a pure Hokkien raised in Penang. Needless to say, I grew up observing the occassion and participating in the celebrations. I remember the huge, pillar like joss stick that my dad will burn till the next morning in our court yard, I remember the loud noises of long fire crakers, I remember putting all kinds of yummy food (all pasted with red stickers that have a zig zag design) on the altar as offerings and although I couldn't yet comprehend the significance of the date, I was well aware that something important was taking place.

Sometimes I wonder if I will cease to remember all these events and dates. Just yesterday, I forgot that it was the 7th day of the new Calendar which marks mankind's universal birthday (yan yat). It is traditionally the day to toss yee sang for luck and prosperity although in modern times, yee sang is pretty much tossed throughout the festival. I fear one day, I may forget to observe these special occasions which may have many religious elements, but are also heavily culturally influenced. I guess to me, it's not so much about praying for blessings and luck, but more about respecting the tradition that has been passed on from one generation to another.

Chinese New Year will always be one of my favourite celebrations because not only does it remind me of family and home, it also reminds me of a happier time when I was unburdened by the preasures of growing up and growing old. It transcends time, space and it transports me to my youth which I have long left behind. Traditions and culture practices remain timeless, eternal, unaffected by the rapid decline of society.

happy chinese new year!!!

2011-02-02T03:32:00.004+13:00

Nothing brings me back to earth more than a four hour bus ride back home with a broken heart, a Murakami novel and a collection of Peter Pan's poetic songs on love, stars and the universe.

I've been on this road, many, many times. I falter, I stumble, I thrive and I survive. I often forget that life is not an epic novel - it is just that...life. Mundane, boring, full of trivial, inconsequential details. No matter how hard I try to look for meaning and purpose, I fail. Every.single.time.

On an unrelated note, Gong Xi Fa Cai to all of you out there! May the Year of the Rabbit bring us great health, wealth and prosperity :-)!

...money clarifies one's speech greatly, while no one listens to the poor

2011-01-21T00:32:00.004+13:00

I had a bit of an unforeseen three figure expenditure today. It breaks my heart to see my bank account disappear bit by bit, just like that. Especially knowing that it takes me so hard to earn my insignificant sum of income. Slaving weekdays from 8.30am till 5.30pm, acting indifferent to office politics and bitchy comments, but actually taking all of it to heart, dealing with demanding clients, sending endless e-mails and crunching tiresome computations...

Is this the consequence of a proper education at school and later, university? Did we waste our youth studying for exams, writing papers and assignments only to be subjected to the dull monotony of office life and torture of modern slavery? What makes my situation even worse is the infinitesimal compensation and benefits that I am currently generating from my employment. What kind of life is this if you work so hard, every day, yet at the end of the month, you are unable to afford the things that you like? Shoes, clothes, perfume, books...

It sure as hell is demotivating. Working to make ends meet. I work just to have some kind of sustainability in life. I envy people from rich families, there I said it. I even resent their wealth which presents them with infinite opportunities and possibilities. Travels abroad, designer clothes and bags, spacious houses, huge cars, dining out at fancy restaurants...never ever having a financial worry. They do not have bills to pay, instalment payments to meet and other financial obligations and expenses (e.g. bare necessities such as bread, cheese, milk, laundry detergent, petrol, car servicing fees, parking fees etc).

And it's these people that dare to question my quality of life..."Why do you never go anywhere, why don't you buy this and that, why did you buy such a small car, why don't you buy a house..." As if money will just fall from the sky and into my hands. I do not have disposable income to make unnecessary purchases. I make sacrifices, like limiting myself to RM15 per day for 3 meals in order to buy some shoes that I like (but I will probably dislike in 3 weeks time). Until I receive a lucrative salary, I will continue to budget and live within my measly means. I will not fall to the evil traps of consumerism where people are being conditioned to believe that the more that they purchase, possess and own, the better of a person they are! We are not defined by the purchases that we make with money that we do not have!

covenant of love...

2011-01-15T15:27:00.003+13:00

Everyone's either getting married or pregnant these days. I guess this is nature's way to ensure continuation of humankind. Me, personally, I am impartial towards the idea of marriage. Staying together with another male person for the next 50 years of my life doesn't really sound appealing. It's comfortable sure, but haven't we all heard the old adage "familiarity breeds contempt?"

In my ideal world, if by some miracle or divine intervention, I do eventually decide to say "I do" to some unfortunate guy, I sure as hell do not want a big wedding with the white, poufy dress, plastering on some fake smile on my face the entire day. No expensive photograph sessions at some pseudo glamarous location, gazing into each other eyes with adoration and admiration either. Memories are not captured by expensive cameras and photographs, contrary to what Kodak and Canon would advertise, but instead, the heart. If I had it my way, I would rather just have the legal ceremony without all that other pomp and circumstance. Why should the declaration of infinite and eternal love be reduced to a parade? Shouldn't it be the marriage that counts and not the wedding day itself?

I guess all my indifference towards this overrated social institution in life stems from childhood. My parents were incompatible in 188 ways, my father was a habitual gambler and my mother, a suffering housewife. Nothing crushes spirit, romance, love and even life the way poverty does. While she doesn't discourage me to get hitched, she never blatantly encourages it either (the way other mothers who probably had happier unions would).

Let's not let society and tradition dictate how we should live. Let's not succumb to the pressures and expectations of other people. Let's all choose the kind of lives we really want - even if it may seem unimaginable to narrow minded bigots.

let there be light!

2011-01-06T01:19:00.003+13:00

I bought some chrysanthemums yesterday. I wish to start the new year on a good note - hence my attempt at being a Earth Mother; radiating warmth, kindness and happiness! I vow to water my plant everyday, keeping the soil nice and moist. Look! I have even given it artificial sunlight to compensate for the lack of natural sunlight!

a leap of faith

2011-01-05T03:24:00.002+13:00

My manager at work is one of the biggest cowards I've ever had the misfortune to work with. She runs away at any sign of problems and she throws her staff to face the wrath of our Partner whenever a crisis arise. Needless to say, as a result of her unreasonable self defense strategies, she lands herself in a bigger soup than she would if she had just owned up to her mistakes and take the bullet in the very first place.

It's people like her that make me realize that sometimes, the more we protect ourselves, the more we end up getting hurt. After all, our lives are governed by forces that we have absolutely no control over. Divine intervention, fate, destiny. As much as we can plan and design, we cannot decide or confirm the outcome of our lives. Which is why I think it's best to just let go...and to find the strength within ourselves to go on, under all circumstances, to take a leap of faith and to trust in life itself; that there will be ups and downs, joy and sadness, good days, bad days, success and failures, wealth and poverty; after all, this too shall pass.

happy new year!!!

2010-12-31T21:55:00.002+13:00

The conundrum of my adult life is this: how time crawls from 8.30am to 5.30pm on a working weekday yet the seconds just seem to fly by on weekends, public holidays and sick days.

I guess time is indeed, relative. Anyway, it's the final day of 2010 and in 2011, I strive to accomplish the following:

a) To be a dutiful daughter, a productive employee, a focused student, a thoughtful friend, a loving girlfriend and a strong swimmer;
b) To pass my exams.

I have no other lofty ambitions apart from the above. Better to set realistic goals lest I disappoint myself.

Wishing all my friends near and far a very, very prosperous and happy 2011!!

nostalgia

2010-11-06T22:12:00.003+13:00

Hey Rach! You are probably the only person that reads this blog :D

Seeing how difficult it is for us to maintain a friendship due to differences in time zone and your hectic schedule (you know, saving lives is pretty time consuming :D), I thought why not get my message across through my blog instead of text messaging you (which is super expensive) or leaving you offline MSN messages.

I really want to tell you that I appreciate your friendship greatly. I don't stay in touch with many people from CPT days and I don't pretend to be all buddy buddy with them when I do see them (virtually or otherwise) but with you, I take the time and effort to stay in touch. You and I share the same cynical outlook in life. We're both realists yet sometimes I wonder if we're trully optimists in disguise. I guess we're balanced. Not always happy, but we're somewhat hopeful. We believe that there is more to life than just the whole idealized white picket fences, four wheel drive and a family pet dream.

I miss our nights hanging out at Bagan bad mouthing teenage wannabees. You are loud, you are crazy, you are funny, you are a genius but most importantly, you have been an amazing friend to me all these years. I treasure what we have and I will always, always hold a place for you in my heart even if we do eventually drift apart.

...love leaves a memory no one can steal

2010-09-21T02:39:00.006+12:00

Some of you may know this, and some of you may not.

To cut the long story short, I've been dating this Catholic guy who is pretty devout for the past 16 months. Marriage at this point, while may seem quite presumptuous, is only the natural order of things. If I marry this guy, I will have to attend the 6 month marriage course taught by the Church, get married in Church, take a vow to raise our hypothetical children to be Catholics (baptism, Cathetism, Sunday mass, the works) and not use any artificial forms of birth control or any other funny methods that will prevent conception (e.g. "pulling out").

Now, I was raised in a traditional Buddhist household with a bit of Taoism influences infused here and there. My mantra in life has always been just "If you can't do good, then do no harm". I try my hardest to do the right thing only to fail, I am not always patient, definitely not always compassionate and I struggle to be a good person, all the time. There is a lot about Catholicsm that I will never understand. Faith and beliefs are after all very personal and the journey in building a loving relationship with God is often, very rewarding.

I am not going to go into the reasons as to why I don't agree with the teachings of the Church. These debates and arguments are endless. Intellectuals, philosophers and scientists have all discussed this to death with no definitive conclusions, thus making the arguments moot, futile and a complete waste of time. People will believe whatever they want to. Faith is a belief in something that you cannot see and therefore, there is nothing to prove.

My Catholic friend has derived most of his identity from his religion - much of the traits that I love(d) about him (e.g. humility, kindness, loyalty, fidelity, selflessness and patience) are presumably a direct result from his association with God and the Church. If I can accept and love all these personality traits, then I will also have to accept and love his religious beliefs and practices. After all, he's not just half of a person, he is a whole person. Besides, no one is perfect and no relationship is without its fair share of problems. There are no moral absolutes.

So in my situation, do I compromise and live my entire marriage life in fear that I will give birth to more children that I am emotionally and financially ready for? Children are a blessing, no doubt. If sex wasn't inseparable from procreation, you and I would not even exist. I am definitely open to life - just not more than I can handle. Parenting is life-altering - children are a life-long commitment and the responsibility that comes with rearing even one child is enormous. Please bear in mind I am not Catholic hence I lack faith that God somehow, will provide. If that were the case, the problems of starving children in Africa would have been solved.

I suffer, daily from this predicament that I am in. It is pain for me, either way. Nowadays, when I do pray to God, I no longer pray for Him to keep us happy, instead I pray for courage and strength needed to let him (and essentially, the concept of "us") go. Break ups are heartachingly painful - you feel like you've lost a part of you that you can never quite get back.

Whichever road I decide to take, I hope I will never look back in regret and remorse.

...california, here we come

2010-09-11T04:07:00.003+12:00

I miss The OC.

I will always love Ryan Attwood and Marissa Cooper.

the taxi driver's daughter

2010-08-23T01:47:00.002+12:00

I normally travel to the city by cabbing as it saves me the hassle of getting my bearings right and finding parking close to my destination.

I met this taxi driver who was probably nearing 70 (or maybe he looked older than he actually was) on the way back from the city to the office. He spoke perfect English and he enquired about the company I was working with. Turns out he has a daughter who recently graduated from university and is currently looking for employment, and 3 other children, 1 of whom was handicapped and cannot walk. He doesn't know what his son is doing for a living (his son has a family of his own) and mentioned that his eldest daughter is also seeking for a job. It makes me a little sad, seeing this fragile man in his twilight years, still having to toil day after day, navigating the little alleys, streets and highways to earn a living.

On that same day, our Managing Director celebrated his 60th birthday in glamour and style with the presence of all his staff and family members. His only concerns were how to propel the Company to greater heights and grow in terms of size and revenue. He had a beautiful wife, a succesful daughter, wealth, health and a great life.

It makes me wonder, how unfair life trully is. Two men, almost the same age but entirely different destinies. As pessimistic as this sounds, I think sometimes, nothing is accidental and our fates have been pre-determined and our eventual outcomes on Earth are there - in the sky, written in the stars. The only way to accept pain, suffering and solitude is to embrace it and grow...in all of your loneliness and disappointments...and learn to acknowledge that certain things in life just are the way that they are.

...vast truths in the smallest of things

2010-08-09T02:15:00.004+12:00

The thing that scares me most about getting married, child-birth and growing older is the loss of hope. When you are 25, single and free, you know that there is more to life than just this; you know that things can and will get better; you can still live in Tokyo, Africa, Prague; your ambitions of writing the Great Novel can still come true; you will eventually save the world and someday, you will find Love. People say that life isn't about waiting for something extraordinary to happen, but finding happiness in the insignificant details like the smell of roses and rain on a beautiful Sunday morning. But to me, it's the faith and belief that there is more to life than just this that gives me comfort when the monotony of daily grind seem to take over. There has to be.

I want to live life like a song from Peter Pan. Poetic, romantic, haunting and heart breakingly beautiful. I want to be able to converse in Japanese with a stranger in a train on the way to Narita. I want to read Murakami in a Parisian cafe; eat croissants, smoke a cigaratte (a herbal one that is) and drink lattes. I want to paint more walls in orphanages, work with United Nations, adopt a Maltese, run marathons, sit on a sandy beach in Penang and marvel in awe of the beauty of it all, meet an attractive guy in a stuffy club where soft, seductive jazz is being played and wonder with excitement, "Could this be Love? If we can't be together in this life, then I'll see you in the next one".

These are some of the things I used to dream about when I was younger. And I always had hope that next year will be the year. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. I cannot seem to find peace and contentment within myself. Everybody I know is moving on, making plans, getting engaged, married, giving birth, buying houses, playing golf...and I'm just here, drifting like a floating device on a stormy ocean, sometimes lonely...mostly lost. I will go where the waves, wind and heart will take me, even if it leads me nowhere. Life is a series of unfortunate events, seemingly meaningless unless you discover for purpose on your own, always challenging but oh, so, so, worth it. To see a rainbow, to listen to a concerto, to smell a blooming rose, to taste a lover's kiss, to touch a child's hair...

"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour."

...to spock

2010-08-01T00:26:00.002+12:00

Carrie Bradshaw once said "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love". Many realists would disagree with her. We can't all be passionately in love with our chosen partner 24 hours a day. Real life gets in the way. Most of the time, Love merely becomes a distraction, an aberration - so are our chosen partners when they become demanding of our attention, time and money (amongst other things), expecting more than what we are able to give. Resentments sets in and seperation looms ahead.

...we live outside the touch of time

2010-07-19T00:12:00.006+12:00

My little brother and I are born almost exactly 6 years apart. He's a horse, I'm a rat. In chinese astrology, signs that are 6 years apart are least compatible or downright conflicting. For the first 14 years of his life, he and I proved that chinese astrology isn't infallible. Although I didn't want a baby brother (I even threw a tantrum by locking myself inside the toilet, blaming my mother for carrying a baby boy instead of a girl), when he appeared in our world, I found him to be the cutest thing I've ever laid eyes on.

We were each other's best friends. He was Dewey (named after the youngest son in Malcom in the Middle, before the baby was born in the later seasons), I was Bob. When I obtained my driving license, I allowed him control in the driver seat and he almost banged the wall at a temple within the first 10 seconds. We even cruised around in the college I was studying at to stalk a fellow crush on mine at that time. I trusted his judgement and he would give me his opinions full of his trademark humor and creativity. We played badminton, supported Man United and watched WWE. He was our home's very own live entertainment.

I often wonder, what happened to us? What happened to Dewey and Bob, the dynamic duo? How could we have drifted so far apart that even a shared childhood memory could not bond us back together? We survived turbulence and catastrophies at home, school and in our daily lives, why is it that we are unable to survive this? Does growing up mean growing apart? Are we destined to be strangers from hereon to the eternal abyss even though I knew him from the day that he was born?

However, we did regain what we lost through our own efforts. He's oceans away from me now, living the kind of life that we never imagined was possible for him if not for his own hard work and determination. We speak quite regularly and he can still make me laugh, loud and hard at his ludicrious jokes and preposterous random remarks. He even goes by the name that I gave him 15 years ago and he is as ever, a die hard Man United fan. Many, many things have changed but whenever I talk to him, I feel as though I am speaking to the 10 year old exuberant boy who was afraid of dogs, shadows and piercing darkness. We know each other as we always were. And I tell myself, this is the one relationship I will never ever give up on, although the stars in the sky may say otherwise.

It's my mother's birthday today and I just wanted to thank her for the greatest gift she's ever given to me; Dewey - sports extraordinaire, brilliant scholar, loyal Man United supporter (for better and for worse!), dutiful son and my little brother, always.

love is triumphant

2010-07-12T20:26:00.004+12:00

My friend wants to be a toy when she grows up.

In my next life, I wish to be a sports journalist who also happens to be drop dead freaking gorgeous and I would really really like to be dating a professional footballer (preferably a hott goalie).

Cannot believe World Cup is over. Back to the ordinary struggles of every day life (bills, work, laundry, arguments with clients, boss, friends, weight management problems... boring...boring...boring!!!!!!!!!)

bola! bola! bola!

2010-07-05T01:21:00.003+12:00

Football was a huge part of my life when I was younger. I followed the EPL religiously, knew the names of Man Utd's first team by memory, scorned Liverpool supporters and woke up at 2.30 am to see England lose on penalties (and Beckham being sent off) in the match against Argentina during the 1998 World Cup second round. I loved football because to me at least, it was a metaphor for life itself. We celebrate our team's triumphs and joys; we mourn their disappointments and sorrows. Similar to the battles and struggles in life and the varied emotions that you and I must experience daily.

However, 12 years later, and I barely know who Kaka, Messi and Mueller are. What happened in those 12 years that I completely lost interest in the game that I was once so passionate about? I guess I developed other "passions" instead, namely real boys that surprisingly do not resemble professional footballers and harmless crushes that later on developed into senseless, meaningless, quasi relationships. Looking back, I should not have diverted my attentions elsewhere. But what does a 18 year old foolish female teenager who is craving for affection from the opposite sex know? All she understands is to search for Love in all the wrong places thinking Love, for all intents and purposes will define her as a person.

So, when I watched the quarter final matches on Friday and Saturday nights, I remember once again how it feels to be a football supporter - undying loyalty and unwavering faith until the very end even when your team is losing. We wish and we hope and we pray for our heroes to come back and fight with every fibre in their beings for gold and glory. Like in life, no matter how many curveballs we are thrown against, we must and we will go on.

resurrection

2010-07-01T02:08:00.005+12:00

I haven't written a real entry in Bob's blog in 2 years.

And yet I don't forget the feeling of happiness writing makes me feel. And how once upon a time, I dreamed of becoming a professional writer. Coming back here on this platform feels a lot like going home. No matter how far you go, there are many, many things about home that you can't seem to erase from your memory. It is there permanently, unchanged by time, imprinted in your heart.

What is the heart's memory but love itself?

If there is one superhero power I wish to have, it would be the power to go back in time. Given that opportunity, I would savour every moment I had with my family and friends in those days of childish wonder, before life became so complicated. I would not have wished to grow up so fast, dreaming that life would only get better, once I gained financial independence and freedom.

I'm a little out of practice here given that I haven't done this in 2 years. I haven't read much lately either. I may have also lost whatever little literary talent I ever posessed in the first place in the process of becoming another mindless idiot climbing the corporate ladder (but finding myself stuck at the bottom after all this time :D but that's another story for another day).

hmm...I don't even have an audience (I have lost all my "readers!"). Tomorrow I shall blast an e-mail to all the friends I remember and to all the new friends I've made...till thenn.....dreaming of cereals with yoghurt and blueberries, strawberries and kiwis....

.................

2009-01-27T15:44:00.000+13:00

I don't know what to do with all this pain.

someday you'll be a star in somebody else's sky, just not mine,,,

2007-11-24T04:07:00.000+13:00

Like all good things, this too must come to an end. I just wish we could have ended it differently, ended it on a better note perhaps, rather than just absolute silence followed by a lifetime of regret on my part more than yours I suspect. I, who used to live for closures opted for none this time for I know I could never bear the pain of accepting the truth in your decided answer. Maybe this is all there will ever be for us, one evening of great conversation and many, many evenings of endless jokes and laughter, and maybe that should be enough for me to always remember. Remembrance of things past...remember that you were the first guy ever to understand my astounding lack of faith in God and humanity, remember that you were always showing off your racket skills, remember that I never had to hit any balls because you were just there...and in remembering, I actually want to forget.

I like you more than you will ever know. You are years older and my immediate boss's good friend and perhaps that contributed to the mystique of the whole attraction; but if I didn't like you this much, I would not be feeling this immense sorrow of losing something that I never actually had in the first place. I have to leave while there is still hope for escape. In so many ways, you were the ultimate highlight of my entire year and even if you cannot return the same compliment, I thank you for so many brilliant Mondays, if for nothing else.

........

2007-10-18T01:08:00.000+13:00

When I first started working, I had this boss whom I really admired and looked up to. He was smart, brilliant, articulate, down to earth and was hot in so many ways that I lost count. He appreciated the fresh graduates for whatever little work that they contributed to the firm and he spoke to us, instead of down at us, as so many directors would have done. He had a great heart, a sense of deep compassion and understanding for others. I haven't seen him since I resigned but I have always wanted to drop by his office at 23rd floor, just to see how he was doing, maybe catch up a little. Turns out, he was scheduled to play badminton at the inter-accounting games I was joining! Here was my grand opportunity at rekindling the old connection. I really wanted to talk to him, desperate to a certain extent, because the times that we chatted, I felt like he spoke right to my heart and he made so much sense about everything, even when my own head didn't. He was fatherly, kind and wise. Which 22 year old wouldn't be in awe?

I received a call last night from my old colleague informing me that he has passed away. He died after collapsing from a heart attack during badminton practice. It is unbelievably shocking. I keep thinking I will be seeing him next Saturday at the tournament even after seeing his dead body in the coffin. In my mind, he still exists; I can clearly see his face and hear his voice. Sometimes I think it's best not to wait and just pick up the phone and call because so very often, we forget that we are all on borrowed time.

gigs are for geeks

2007-08-22T03:13:00.000+12:00

I have the hugest crush on this guy who is supposedly training me for a badminton tournament. Seeing how I spend half my time catching shuttlecocks and the other half laughing at my own feeble attempts to “smash”, not to mention the really not so subtle peeks at him, I seem to be regressing instead of progressing although I started at a pretty terrible level. But oh my goodness, he’s one of the hottest guys I’ve seen in this lifetime and he is hysterically funny and incredibly athletic but I think he’s about like fucking thirty five years old or something. Still, he runs faster than a twenty one year old, makes the best facial expressions, cracks the most hilarious jokes and does not possess a single pretentious bone in him; what’s there not to swoon over? I have almost forgotten how attractive tall and skinny guys are, no thanks to my random spots of blindness.

Apart from spending my days trying to improve at my game (to no avail of course, I am just not very good at racket games, or any kind of sports actually, though I absolutely love the feeling after an exhaustive work out, it must be the endorphins that it releases), I’ve just been here and there, trying to get as much work done as possible in the regular 8 hours, still struggling with Mozart, reading Richard Dawkins (finally getting my hands on The God Delusion) and feeling exceedingly delirious just to be alive, well and healthy. In spite of everything that has happened in the past, I am extremely grateful to be here today; knowing that I have lost a lot but also gained some.

Take me drunk, I'm home

2007-08-08T03:44:00.000+12:00

Must it be?

It must be.

mixtape for no one

2007-06-03T16:04:00.000+12:00

1. Rhett Miller (with Rachael Yamagata) - Fireflies
2. The New Pornographers - The Bleeding Heart Show
3. Elliot Smith - Waltz #2
4. The Afters - Until the world
5. Patrick Park - Life is a song
6. Travis - Love will come Through
7. The Beatles - In My Life
8. Ray LaMontagne - Hold you in my arms
9. Damien Rice - 9 Crimes
10. Albert Hammond Jr. - Hard to live (in the city)
11. Muse - Can't keep my eyes off you
12. Elvis Costello - My funny Valentine
13. Hell is for Heroes - You Drove Me to It
14. Ted Leo - Since you've been Gone
15. Patty Griffin - Rowing Song
16. The Jesus and Mary Chain - Just like Honey
17. Radiohead - Pyramid Song
18. Butch Walker - Maybe it's just me

...and we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall

2007-05-27T20:47:00.000+12:00

There is this married guy in my office who looks halfway decent with great height and was found to be cheating on his wife with a colleague. I guess working long hours together in the confines of a stuffy building really does lead to something after all. It’s a brilliant story and one that I enjoyed very much listening to because it sort of sent home the message “a man is only as faithful as his options”. Besides variety is the spice of life. At any given day you could meet someone new who is more interesting, sexier…why stick with the boring girl with limp hair and scrawny body? The idea of a monogamous relationship in this modern century satiated with a society that obsesses over fornication just completely confounds me. If we truly evolved from apes, then we are no better than animals and it has been scientifically proven that only 3 percent of mammals engage in social monogamy.

We get so caught up with our own delusions sometimes that we almost begin to believe them as the absolute truths. It’s enormously comforting knowing that no matter what happens there will be someone there for you; in spite of all your imperfections, flaws and potential physical deficiencies later on in life (commonly known as ageing). However, please be reminded, humans are not a rare commodity, girls even more so. We are disposable items with a low written down value. It’s so much easier to trade one asset for another with more advanced features than to tolerate the previous asset’s geriatric tendencies. Fact of life; what comes is better than what came before (and whoa, this is a line from the velvet underground in a love song, oh the irony!).

Anyway, I do feel really bad for the guy’s wife and son. How betrayed she must have felt to discover that while the husband was supposedly working on income statements all those long nights, he was pretty much screwing the female colleague in some toilet cubicle / photocopier room. The guy has zero professional ethics, I think he is even purportedly her superior but who cares about moral codes when you have “true love” as an excuse? Hypocrisy amazes me - people never admit that they cheat because it is inherently human nature, they always say it’s “love”. Love seems to be the justification for behaving like a jerk to the person you cheated on. It exempts you from all of your previous promises and professions of undying loyalty. Romantic love is over rated and definitely over played.

I am gearing up towards the horrible December year end tax filing deadlines so any artistic / intellectual endeavors will have to take a backseat for a while (by that I mean brutal Mozart piano playing and half hearted readings on the Tudor dynasty although Anne Boleyn is a completely compelling figure). Thank goodness American Idol is over (actually not really, it’s one of my favorite shows regardless of its’ many short comings; why can’t we have interesting theme nights!) otherwise I have to find far fetched pleas to get out from the office before 8.00pm. Till my next post, viva la ganja! (?) If everybody learned the concept of “moderation”, maybe the world wouldn’t be as fucked up as it is, with our fixation on taking everything in excess; greed, drug abuse, binge drinking et cetera.

mid week slum

2007-05-17T02:22:00.000+12:00

So go on, love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
And so much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you
And I should have said it
But tell me
Just what has it ever meant

I am re-discovering Jimmy Eat World. I feel like Holden Caulfield, all of eighteen years old with every bit of that teenage angst.

what are you doing the rest of your life?

2007-05-04T02:41:00.000+12:00

I thought my blog had died a swift death but thank goodness, Blogger did not bury it too deep into cyberspace. It is still within my grasp and it's mine for waxing lyrical over Life. The past few months of non-blogging have been painful, I tried to blog in other spaces but it never felt the same and I just couldn't blog elsewhere. Yes, good question, so why the hell did I ever delete my blog in the first place? I grew sick of every single word I wrote, every sentence I created and everything I once stood for (hope, peace, eternal friendships, true love, the belief that God was fair and just, etc). I started blogging when I was nineteen (rather late but you must know, I did not grow up with the great invention called the Internet) and people evolve especially when they go through traumatic experiences like first jobs, unemployment, financial woes, loss of innocence and coming to terms with their own failures. So yeah, I guess I just felt I needed to start over, on a blank slate to create my own identity and ultimately, destiny. No fate, but what we create (tm Terminator 2).

Hopefully, I've grown to become wiser so no more squeeing over nonsensical inanimate objects. I forget sometimes, how insignificant we all are, in this vast universe. Merely a speck of unidentified dust. That's the beauty of it all I guess, the fact that if you look at it on a whole, everything makes perfect sense. The dramatic laws of cause and effect.

Anyway, I've been watching lots of television lately, and I absolutely love, love, love Peter Petrelli from Heroes! He's got those perfect eyes and he is the one person who is actually capable of saving the world. So much love. On another note, 2 of my closest colleagues have resigned from my office so today, being the first working day of the month, I am starting to feel the empty void that they have left. I don't know, I just felt that the office was so destitute of human activity, without our usual bickering over stationery, deadlines and work load and bitching about our bosses who were real assholes at times. I felt abandoned and dead even after work, so much that after American Idol, I text messaged a friend and asked her if she could be my Chris! And I could be the beat boxing Blake! A friend in need is a friend indeed?

To cure the blues, I'm going...to buy a new pair of shoes.

2007-05-04T02:20:00.000+12:00

Testing