resurrection

I haven't written a real entry in Bob's blog in 2 years.

And yet I don't forget the feeling of happiness writing makes me feel. And how once upon a time, I dreamed of becoming a professional writer. Coming back here on this platform feels a lot like going home. No matter how far you go, there are many, many things about home that you can't seem to erase from your memory. It is there permanently, unchanged by time, imprinted in your heart.

What is the heart's memory but love itself?

If there is one superhero power I wish to have, it would be the power to go back in time. Given that opportunity, I would savour every moment I had with my family and friends in those days of childish wonder, before life became so complicated. I would not have wished to grow up so fast, dreaming that life would only get better, once I gained financial independence and freedom.

I'm a little out of practice here given that I haven't done this in 2 years. I haven't read much lately either. I may have also lost whatever little literary talent I ever posessed in the first place in the process of becoming another mindless idiot climbing the corporate ladder (but finding myself stuck at the bottom after all this time :D but that's another story for another day).

hmm...I don't even have an audience (I have lost all my "readers!"). Tomorrow I shall blast an e-mail to all the friends I remember and to all the new friends I've made...till thenn.....dreaming of cereals with yoghurt and blueberries, strawberries and kiwis....

.................

I don't know what to do with all this pain.

someday you'll be a star in somebody else's sky, just not mine,,,

Like all good things, this too must come to an end. I just wish we could have ended it differently, ended it on a better note perhaps, rather than just absolute silence followed by a lifetime of regret on my part more than yours I suspect. I, who used to live for closures opted for none this time for I know I could never bear the pain of accepting the truth in your decided answer. Maybe this is all there will ever be for us, one evening of great conversation and many, many evenings of endless jokes and laughter, and maybe that should be enough for me to always remember. Remembrance of things past...remember that you were the first guy ever to understand my astounding lack of faith in God and humanity, remember that you were always showing off your racket skills, remember that I never had to hit any balls because you were just there...and in remembering, I actually want to forget.

I like you more than you will ever know. You are years older and my immediate boss's good friend and perhaps that contributed to the mystique of the whole attraction; but if I didn't like you this much, I would not be feeling this immense sorrow of losing something that I never actually had in the first place. I have to leave while there is still hope for escape. In so many ways, you were the ultimate highlight of my entire year and even if you cannot return the same compliment, I thank you for so many brilliant Mondays, if for nothing else.

........

When I first started working, I had this boss whom I really admired and looked up to. He was smart, brilliant, articulate, down to earth and was hot in so many ways that I lost count. He appreciated the fresh graduates for whatever little work that they contributed to the firm and he spoke to us, instead of down at us, as so many directors would have done. He had a great heart, a sense of deep compassion and understanding for others. I haven't seen him since I resigned but I have always wanted to drop by his office at 23rd floor, just to see how he was doing, maybe catch up a little. Turns out, he was scheduled to play badminton at the inter-accounting games I was joining! Here was my grand opportunity at rekindling the old connection. I really wanted to talk to him, desperate to a certain extent, because the times that we chatted, I felt like he spoke right to my heart and he made so much sense about everything, even when my own head didn't. He was fatherly, kind and wise. Which 22 year old wouldn't be in awe?

I received a call last night from my old colleague informing me that he has passed away. He died after collapsing from a heart attack during badminton practice. It is unbelievably shocking. I keep thinking I will be seeing him next Saturday at the tournament even after seeing his dead body in the coffin. In my mind, he still exists; I can clearly see his face and hear his voice. Sometimes I think it's best not to wait and just pick up the phone and call because so very often, we forget that we are all on borrowed time.

gigs are for geeks

I have the hugest crush on this guy who is supposedly training me for a badminton tournament. Seeing how I spend half my time catching shuttlecocks and the other half laughing at my own feeble attempts to “smash”, not to mention the really not so subtle peeks at him, I seem to be regressing instead of progressing although I started at a pretty terrible level. But oh my goodness, he’s one of the hottest guys I’ve seen in this lifetime and he is hysterically funny and incredibly athletic but I think he’s about like fucking thirty five years old or something. Still, he runs faster than a twenty one year old, makes the best facial expressions, cracks the most hilarious jokes and does not possess a single pretentious bone in him; what’s there not to swoon over? I have almost forgotten how attractive tall and skinny guys are, no thanks to my random spots of blindness.

Apart from spending my days trying to improve at my game (to no avail of course, I am just not very good at racket games, or any kind of sports actually, though I absolutely love the feeling after an exhaustive work out, it must be the endorphins that it releases), I’ve just been here and there, trying to get as much work done as possible in the regular 8 hours, still struggling with Mozart, reading Richard Dawkins (finally getting my hands on The God Delusion) and feeling exceedingly delirious just to be alive, well and healthy. In spite of everything that has happened in the past, I am extremely grateful to be here today; knowing that I have lost a lot but also gained some.

Take me drunk, I'm home

Must it be?

It must be.

mixtape for no one

1. Rhett Miller (with Rachael Yamagata) - Fireflies
2. The New Pornographers - The Bleeding Heart Show
3. Elliot Smith - Waltz #2
4. The Afters - Until the world
5. Patrick Park - Life is a song
6. Travis - Love will come Through
7. The Beatles - In My Life
8. Ray LaMontagne - Hold you in my arms
9. Damien Rice - 9 Crimes
10. Albert Hammond Jr. - Hard to live (in the city)
11. Muse - Can't keep my eyes off you
12. Elvis Costello - My funny Valentine
13. Hell is for Heroes - You Drove Me to It
14. Ted Leo - Since you've been Gone
15. Patty Griffin - Rowing Song
16. The Jesus and Mary Chain - Just like Honey
17. Radiohead - Pyramid Song
18. Butch Walker - Maybe it's just me