dreams dreams dreams

It's 7.11 pm on a boring Saturday, I'm somewhere in Jurong East, hungry, missing my wonderful spacious apartment (3 bedrooms, 2 toilets all to myself. It's the only reason why I love Selangor D.E.) and I'm thinking about some people I haven't seen in ages (as in like years), some of whom are ex best friends and others, lovers :D.

I wonder if in a different life or in a parellel universe, I am an accomplished pianist / journalist, well-travelled, speaks 4 languages, a competent swimmer, 5 feet 9 with wavy, thick, luscious brown hair, have perky, full breasts, reads Great Literature, writes Great Literature, plays Mozart, and hangs out with royalty / athletes / rockstars / models.

No woes, no misery in hypothetical me. Just sunny and carefree :-).

Hokkien New Year!

Tonight is the 8th night of the new Lunar calendar, which signifies Jade Emperor God's (Thnee Kong) birthday otherwise known as the Hokkien New Year. It is believed that the Hokkiens escaped mistreatment by a ruthless army in ancient China and seeked refuge in a sugar cane plantation only to emerge unharmed on the 8th day of Chinese New Year.

I am a pure Hokkien raised in Penang. Needless to say, I grew up observing the occassion and participating in the celebrations. I remember the huge, pillar like joss stick that my dad will burn till the next morning in our court yard, I remember the loud noises of long fire crakers, I remember putting all kinds of yummy food (all pasted with red stickers that have a zig zag design) on the altar as offerings and although I couldn't yet comprehend the significance of the date, I was well aware that something important was taking place.

Sometimes I wonder if I will cease to remember all these events and dates. Just yesterday, I forgot that it was the 7th day of the new Calendar which marks mankind's universal birthday (yan yat). It is traditionally the day to toss yee sang for luck and prosperity although in modern times, yee sang is pretty much tossed throughout the festival. I fear one day, I may forget to observe these special occasions which may have many religious elements, but are also heavily culturally influenced. I guess to me, it's not so much about praying for blessings and luck, but more about respecting the tradition that has been passed on from one generation to another.

Chinese New Year will always be one of my favourite celebrations because not only does it remind me of family and home, it also reminds me of a happier time when I was unburdened by the preasures of growing up and growing old. It transcends time, space and it transports me to my youth which I have long left behind. Traditions and culture practices remain timeless, eternal, unaffected by the rapid decline of society.

happy chinese new year!!!

Nothing brings me back to earth more than a four hour bus ride back home with a broken heart, a Murakami novel and a collection of Peter Pan's poetic songs on love, stars and the universe.

I've been on this road, many, many times. I falter, I stumble, I thrive and I survive. I often forget that life is not an epic novel - it is just that...life. Mundane, boring, full of trivial, inconsequential details. No matter how hard I try to look for meaning and purpose, I fail. Every.single.time.

On an unrelated note, Gong Xi Fa Cai to all of you out there! May the Year of the Rabbit bring us great health, wealth and prosperity :-)!

...money clarifies one's speech greatly, while no one listens to the poor

I had a bit of an unforeseen three figure expenditure today. It breaks my heart to see my bank account disappear bit by bit, just like that. Especially knowing that it takes me so hard to earn my insignificant sum of income. Slaving weekdays from 8.30am till 5.30pm, acting indifferent to office politics and bitchy comments, but actually taking all of it to heart, dealing with demanding clients, sending endless e-mails and crunching tiresome computations...

Is this the consequence of a proper education at school and later, university? Did we waste our youth studying for exams, writing papers and assignments only to be subjected to the dull monotony of office life and torture of modern slavery? What makes my situation even worse is the infinitesimal compensation and benefits that I am currently generating from my employment. What kind of life is this if you work so hard, every day, yet at the end of the month, you are unable to afford the things that you like? Shoes, clothes, perfume, books...

It sure as hell is demotivating. Working to make ends meet. I work just to have some kind of sustainability in life. I envy people from rich families, there I said it. I even resent their wealth which presents them with infinite opportunities and possibilities. Travels abroad, designer clothes and bags, spacious houses, huge cars, dining out at fancy restaurants...never ever having a financial worry. They do not have bills to pay, instalment payments to meet and other financial obligations and expenses (e.g. bare necessities such as bread, cheese, milk, laundry detergent, petrol, car servicing fees, parking fees etc).

And it's these people that dare to question my quality of life..."Why do you never go anywhere, why don't you buy this and that, why did you buy such a small car, why don't you buy a house..." As if money will just fall from the sky and into my hands. I do not have disposable income to make unnecessary purchases. I make sacrifices, like limiting myself to RM15 per day for 3 meals in order to buy some shoes that I like (but I will probably dislike in 3 weeks time). Until I receive a lucrative salary, I will continue to budget and live within my measly means. I will not fall to the evil traps of consumerism where people are being conditioned to believe that the more that they purchase, possess and own, the better of a person they are! We are not defined by the purchases that we make with money that we do not have!

covenant of love...

Everyone's either getting married or pregnant these days. I guess this is nature's way to ensure continuation of humankind. Me, personally, I am impartial towards the idea of marriage. Staying together with another male person for the next 50 years of my life doesn't really sound appealing. It's comfortable sure, but haven't we all heard the old adage "familiarity breeds contempt?"

In my ideal world, if by some miracle or divine intervention, I do eventually decide to say "I do" to some unfortunate guy, I sure as hell do not want a big wedding with the white, poufy dress, plastering on some fake smile on my face the entire day. No expensive photograph sessions at some pseudo glamarous location, gazing into each other eyes with adoration and admiration either. Memories are not captured by expensive cameras and photographs, contrary to what Kodak and Canon would advertise, but instead, the heart. If I had it my way, I would rather just have the legal ceremony without all that other pomp and circumstance. Why should the declaration of infinite and eternal love be reduced to a parade? Shouldn't it be the marriage that counts and not the wedding day itself?

I guess all my indifference towards this overrated social institution in life stems from childhood. My parents were incompatible in 188 ways, my father was a habitual gambler and my mother, a suffering housewife. Nothing crushes spirit, romance, love and even life the way poverty does. While she doesn't discourage me to get hitched, she never blatantly encourages it either (the way other mothers who probably had happier unions would).

Let's not let society and tradition dictate how we should live. Let's not succumb to the pressures and expectations of other people. Let's all choose the kind of lives we really want - even if it may seem unimaginable to narrow minded bigots.

let there be light!

I bought some chrysanthemums yesterday. I wish to start the new year on a good note - hence my attempt at being a Earth Mother; radiating warmth, kindness and happiness! I vow to water my plant everyday, keeping the soil nice and moist. Look! I have even given it artificial sunlight to compensate for the lack of natural sunlight!

a leap of faith

My manager at work is one of the biggest cowards I've ever had the misfortune to work with. She runs away at any sign of problems and she throws her staff to face the wrath of our Partner whenever a crisis arise. Needless to say, as a result of her unreasonable self defense strategies, she lands herself in a bigger soup than she would if she had just owned up to her mistakes and take the bullet in the very first place.

It's people like her that make me realize that sometimes, the more we protect ourselves, the more we end up getting hurt. After all, our lives are governed by forces that we have absolutely no control over. Divine intervention, fate, destiny. As much as we can plan and design, we cannot decide or confirm the outcome of our lives. Which is why I think it's best to just let go...and to find the strength within ourselves to go on, under all circumstances, to take a leap of faith and to trust in life itself; that there will be ups and downs, joy and sadness, good days, bad days, success and failures, wealth and poverty; after all, this too shall pass.