In my quest to lose weight, I have been attending yoga classes regularly for the past seven months. Some classes are more brutal than others but I generally come out of them feeling exhilarated and rejuvenated. I don't know the names of most asanas (except for downward dog hahaha) and I am fearful of any pose that requires inversion but I will say this - I love yoga and if I didn't have a full time job which consumes 2/3 of my life, I'd practice it daily. I wish I had been introduced to yoga and it's endless benefits earlier (maybe when I was twenty?), but you know what they say, better late than never. 

I have a bit of an anxiety problem. My aunt was clinically diagnosed with this so maybe it is hereditary. Anxiety is no walk in the part. You interpret the world as a place that is constantly threatening and menacing, and everyone is part of this conspiracy, designed to put you at harm's way. I worry and obsess endlessly about everything. A couple of nights ago, I suddenly had this thought that I had included the wrong ISBN in a book that has already been published. A hundred and one negative outcomes that could potentially arise, as a result of my (presumed) error ran across my head. It was to say the very least, stressful. 

Yoga, because of it's meditative nature is supposed to calm a disturbed mind. I must say though - while yoga has done wonders for my health and physical body, it it has yet to take any effect on me, mentally and spiritually. I am still as anxious as ever and during shavasana (corpse pose where you lie on the floor and do nothing), I find myself ruminating (and entertaining) all kinds of thoughts in my head. I am at my wit's end really, I am aware that anxiety is taking over my life but nothing seems to be helping. 

I could of course go to a psychologist to talk things through and maybe undergo cognitive behavior therapy but the costs are way beyond my means. Sadly, mental illness is not covered by group insurance. Which goes to show that mental illness is still very much a stigma and people would rather sweep it under the rug than to acknowledge that it is becoming a common health concern in our modern society. Illnesses like cancer are easy to define (I am in no way suggesting that a cancer diagnosis is any cause for celebration) but mental illnesses are harder, in a sense that there are no physical symptoms. Some people accuse you of faking it, insisting that everything is in your head. 

Really, I wish my brains would just shut the hell up. Some days I wonder if being deaf would do me good because I am so hyper sensitive to sounds that I get anxious whenever I hear a bus or a motorcycle roaring past. It makes my blood boil and I become annoyed, angry and uneasy. If I had it my way and if money was no objection, I would stay at home all day, in my own little bubble where I feel safe and protected from danger - perceived or otherwise.