someday you'll be a star in somebody else's sky, just not mine,,,

Like all good things, this too must come to an end. I just wish we could have ended it differently, ended it on a better note perhaps, rather than just absolute silence followed by a lifetime of regret on my part more than yours I suspect. I, who used to live for closures opted for none this time for I know I could never bear the pain of accepting the truth in your decided answer. Maybe this is all there will ever be for us, one evening of great conversation and many, many evenings of endless jokes and laughter, and maybe that should be enough for me to always remember. Remembrance of things past...remember that you were the first guy ever to understand my astounding lack of faith in God and humanity, remember that you were always showing off your racket skills, remember that I never had to hit any balls because you were just there...and in remembering, I actually want to forget.

I like you more than you will ever know. You are years older and my immediate boss's good friend and perhaps that contributed to the mystique of the whole attraction; but if I didn't like you this much, I would not be feeling this immense sorrow of losing something that I never actually had in the first place. I have to leave while there is still hope for escape. In so many ways, you were the ultimate highlight of my entire year and even if you cannot return the same compliment, I thank you for so many brilliant Mondays, if for nothing else.

........

When I first started working, I had this boss whom I really admired and looked up to. He was smart, brilliant, articulate, down to earth and was hot in so many ways that I lost count. He appreciated the fresh graduates for whatever little work that they contributed to the firm and he spoke to us, instead of down at us, as so many directors would have done. He had a great heart, a sense of deep compassion and understanding for others. I haven't seen him since I resigned but I have always wanted to drop by his office at 23rd floor, just to see how he was doing, maybe catch up a little. Turns out, he was scheduled to play badminton at the inter-accounting games I was joining! Here was my grand opportunity at rekindling the old connection. I really wanted to talk to him, desperate to a certain extent, because the times that we chatted, I felt like he spoke right to my heart and he made so much sense about everything, even when my own head didn't. He was fatherly, kind and wise. Which 22 year old wouldn't be in awe?

I received a call last night from my old colleague informing me that he has passed away. He died after collapsing from a heart attack during badminton practice. It is unbelievably shocking. I keep thinking I will be seeing him next Saturday at the tournament even after seeing his dead body in the coffin. In my mind, he still exists; I can clearly see his face and hear his voice. Sometimes I think it's best not to wait and just pick up the phone and call because so very often, we forget that we are all on borrowed time.

gigs are for geeks

I have the hugest crush on this guy who is supposedly training me for a badminton tournament. Seeing how I spend half my time catching shuttlecocks and the other half laughing at my own feeble attempts to “smash”, not to mention the really not so subtle peeks at him, I seem to be regressing instead of progressing although I started at a pretty terrible level. But oh my goodness, he’s one of the hottest guys I’ve seen in this lifetime and he is hysterically funny and incredibly athletic but I think he’s about like fucking thirty five years old or something. Still, he runs faster than a twenty one year old, makes the best facial expressions, cracks the most hilarious jokes and does not possess a single pretentious bone in him; what’s there not to swoon over? I have almost forgotten how attractive tall and skinny guys are, no thanks to my random spots of blindness.

Apart from spending my days trying to improve at my game (to no avail of course, I am just not very good at racket games, or any kind of sports actually, though I absolutely love the feeling after an exhaustive work out, it must be the endorphins that it releases), I’ve just been here and there, trying to get as much work done as possible in the regular 8 hours, still struggling with Mozart, reading Richard Dawkins (finally getting my hands on The God Delusion) and feeling exceedingly delirious just to be alive, well and healthy. In spite of everything that has happened in the past, I am extremely grateful to be here today; knowing that I have lost a lot but also gained some.

Take me drunk, I'm home

Must it be?

It must be.

mixtape for no one

1. Rhett Miller (with Rachael Yamagata) - Fireflies
2. The New Pornographers - The Bleeding Heart Show
3. Elliot Smith - Waltz #2
4. The Afters - Until the world
5. Patrick Park - Life is a song
6. Travis - Love will come Through
7. The Beatles - In My Life
8. Ray LaMontagne - Hold you in my arms
9. Damien Rice - 9 Crimes
10. Albert Hammond Jr. - Hard to live (in the city)
11. Muse - Can't keep my eyes off you
12. Elvis Costello - My funny Valentine
13. Hell is for Heroes - You Drove Me to It
14. Ted Leo - Since you've been Gone
15. Patty Griffin - Rowing Song
16. The Jesus and Mary Chain - Just like Honey
17. Radiohead - Pyramid Song
18. Butch Walker - Maybe it's just me

...and we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall

There is this married guy in my office who looks halfway decent with great height and was found to be cheating on his wife with a colleague. I guess working long hours together in the confines of a stuffy building really does lead to something after all. It’s a brilliant story and one that I enjoyed very much listening to because it sort of sent home the message “a man is only as faithful as his options”. Besides variety is the spice of life. At any given day you could meet someone new who is more interesting, sexier…why stick with the boring girl with limp hair and scrawny body? The idea of a monogamous relationship in this modern century satiated with a society that obsesses over fornication just completely confounds me. If we truly evolved from apes, then we are no better than animals and it has been scientifically proven that only 3 percent of mammals engage in social monogamy.

We get so caught up with our own delusions sometimes that we almost begin to believe them as the absolute truths. It’s enormously comforting knowing that no matter what happens there will be someone there for you; in spite of all your imperfections, flaws and potential physical deficiencies later on in life (commonly known as ageing). However, please be reminded, humans are not a rare commodity, girls even more so. We are disposable items with a low written down value. It’s so much easier to trade one asset for another with more advanced features than to tolerate the previous asset’s geriatric tendencies. Fact of life; what comes is better than what came before (and whoa, this is a line from the velvet underground in a love song, oh the irony!).

Anyway, I do feel really bad for the guy’s wife and son. How betrayed she must have felt to discover that while the husband was supposedly working on income statements all those long nights, he was pretty much screwing the female colleague in some toilet cubicle / photocopier room. The guy has zero professional ethics, I think he is even purportedly her superior but who cares about moral codes when you have “true love” as an excuse? Hypocrisy amazes me - people never admit that they cheat because it is inherently human nature, they always say it’s “love”. Love seems to be the justification for behaving like a jerk to the person you cheated on. It exempts you from all of your previous promises and professions of undying loyalty. Romantic love is over rated and definitely over played.

I am gearing up towards the horrible December year end tax filing deadlines so any artistic / intellectual endeavors will have to take a backseat for a while (by that I mean brutal Mozart piano playing and half hearted readings on the Tudor dynasty although Anne Boleyn is a completely compelling figure). Thank goodness American Idol is over (actually not really, it’s one of my favorite shows regardless of its’ many short comings; why can’t we have interesting theme nights!) otherwise I have to find far fetched pleas to get out from the office before 8.00pm. Till my next post, viva la ganja! (?) If everybody learned the concept of “moderation”, maybe the world wouldn’t be as fucked up as it is, with our fixation on taking everything in excess; greed, drug abuse, binge drinking et cetera.

mid week slum

So go on, love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
And so much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you
And I should have said it
But tell me
Just what has it ever meant

I am re-discovering Jimmy Eat World. I feel like Holden Caulfield, all of eighteen years old with every bit of that teenage angst.

what are you doing the rest of your life?

I thought my blog had died a swift death but thank goodness, Blogger did not bury it too deep into cyberspace. It is still within my grasp and it's mine for waxing lyrical over Life. The past few months of non-blogging have been painful, I tried to blog in other spaces but it never felt the same and I just couldn't blog elsewhere. Yes, good question, so why the hell did I ever delete my blog in the first place? I grew sick of every single word I wrote, every sentence I created and everything I once stood for (hope, peace, eternal friendships, true love, the belief that God was fair and just, etc). I started blogging when I was nineteen (rather late but you must know, I did not grow up with the great invention called the Internet) and people evolve especially when they go through traumatic experiences like first jobs, unemployment, financial woes, loss of innocence and coming to terms with their own failures. So yeah, I guess I just felt I needed to start over, on a blank slate to create my own identity and ultimately, destiny. No fate, but what we create (tm Terminator 2).

Hopefully, I've grown to become wiser so no more squeeing over nonsensical inanimate objects. I forget sometimes, how insignificant we all are, in this vast universe. Merely a speck of unidentified dust. That's the beauty of it all I guess, the fact that if you look at it on a whole, everything makes perfect sense. The dramatic laws of cause and effect.

Anyway, I've been watching lots of television lately, and I absolutely love, love, love Peter Petrelli from Heroes! He's got those perfect eyes and he is the one person who is actually capable of saving the world. So much love. On another note, 2 of my closest colleagues have resigned from my office so today, being the first working day of the month, I am starting to feel the empty void that they have left. I don't know, I just felt that the office was so destitute of human activity, without our usual bickering over stationery, deadlines and work load and bitching about our bosses who were real assholes at times. I felt abandoned and dead even after work, so much that after American Idol, I text messaged a friend and asked her if she could be my Chris! And I could be the beat boxing Blake! A friend in need is a friend indeed?

To cure the blues, I'm going...to buy a new pair of shoes.

Testing