I have been walking around with a cloud of guilt over my head for the past few months because I was led to believe that I was fully responsible for the demise of our relationship. But what I overlooked was this simple truth - he didn't fight it either. In fact I think he has been waiting for me to utter those words. I may have pulled the trigger but he helped me to load the gun. In my quest to recover what was lost and broke, I considered the below options:
- Convert into Catholicism so that I become a picture of piety like the pelican;
- Go for plastic surgery (ie breast enlargement) to make myself so wonderfully attractive that no guy could reject me.
You know what the sad part is? I could attend RCIA classes and go through with the conversion but I still wouldn't have him back. A friend once told me:
"He does not love you as much as you presume he did"
Her words struck a chord with me. I hear a lot of stories about men who did everything in their power to make their relationships work despite all the odds. My father was vehemently against me marrying out of my race and my ex boyfriend thought that it'd be a good idea to pressure me into marriage without first trying to appease my father and win him over. And yet he had many, many expectations of me.
Although I don't claim Catholicism as my religion, I have come to accept the Catholic Church's main tenets (NFP as the only form of birth control, raising children under the Catholic faith, no abortion under any circumstances) and even found beauty in many of its' teachings. And yet the ex accused me on not accepting his Catholic faith. What exactly did he want me to do?? I may not have spent enough time with the ex's family but that is my nature. I am a true introvert at heart.
It is too late for anything now. I cannot force somebody to be in a relationship that he does not want to be in. Yes, it was my suggestion to break up and I do feel like a cheater who promises she will no longer cheat but still does it anyway. But why couldn't he have fought a little harder? I don't always have the best judgement and I am a horrible decision maker (to think that I am in a leadership role, shudders!).