sleepless in taipei...

I was in Taipei for a little more than 120 hours and that was all the time it took for me to fall in love. Ever since returning to home soil, I feel empty like I have left a piece of my heart somewhere. I speak less than five phrases of Mandarin, broken Taiwanese that no real Taiwanese could understand and still I felt like I belonged. 

I asked my friend this question today - if you could live your life again knowing what you know now, is there anything you would have done differently? He said he wouldn't, because that would mean he would not be who and where he is. 

I would. I would have studied hardier in school, really make those History, Science and Mathematics lessons count. I would not have stopped writing just because I started working. I would have continued reading books, listened to real music (Nirvana, Snow Patrol, Vivaldi). I would have stayed in touch with friends from school. I would not have wasted so much money on objects that held no economic value. I would have learned swimming and yoga much earlier, and not let fear stand in the way. I would never have lost my way and most of all, I would have retained my true passion for words and the English language. 

Anyway, I have been wasting a lot of time on stormfront.org which is a white supremacy forum. The white supremacists argue (convincingly) that they are the master race because of their genetic intelligence and good looks (blonde hair, blue eyes). Well, the western civilization have indeed made significant contributions to the betterment of society. Every important invention in the last few centuries have been invented by whites - telephone, energy, cars, internet, airplanes. Theory has it that the early humans who traveled out of Africa evolved faster than those who remained because the harsh conditions of the northern hemisphere forced them to be creative and innovative. The Africans on the other hand, never left the land so they became complacent and remained primitive. Take this with a grain of salt if you wish, but some of the arguments above are quite valid. When was the last time an African invented something? Has anyone wanted to try African cuisine the way one would try Indian, Japanese, Italian, Greek cuisine? 

East Asians supposedly have the highest IQs (I think this was researched in The Bell Curve), several points ahead of Caucasians. This is logical and a reasonable conclusion if you take into consideration the progress of developed nations like Japan and South Korea. Do homogenous societies work better than multicultural ones? Look at our own backyard - we claim that diversity is our strength but we bicker every day, on racially based issues. The ugly truth is, we fear what we do not understand. We identify better with people who look and think the same way that we do and we distrust people who are different. Conflicts are inevitable even with people who are similar, what more can you expect from people with diverse culture, religion, ideology, heritage and history? Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if our forefathers never ventured out of China or India. But then again, as evidenced by the men who traveled out of Africa, change is necessary and can be a good thing. It teaches you perseverance, courage and strength. 

In my quest to lose weight, I have been attending yoga classes regularly for the past seven months. Some classes are more brutal than others but I generally come out of them feeling exhilarated and rejuvenated. I don't know the names of most asanas (except for downward dog hahaha) and I am fearful of any pose that requires inversion but I will say this - I love yoga and if I didn't have a full time job which consumes 2/3 of my life, I'd practice it daily. I wish I had been introduced to yoga and it's endless benefits earlier (maybe when I was twenty?), but you know what they say, better late than never. 

I have a bit of an anxiety problem. My aunt was clinically diagnosed with this so maybe it is hereditary. Anxiety is no walk in the part. You interpret the world as a place that is constantly threatening and menacing, and everyone is part of this conspiracy, designed to put you at harm's way. I worry and obsess endlessly about everything. A couple of nights ago, I suddenly had this thought that I had included the wrong ISBN in a book that has already been published. A hundred and one negative outcomes that could potentially arise, as a result of my (presumed) error ran across my head. It was to say the very least, stressful. 

Yoga, because of it's meditative nature is supposed to calm a disturbed mind. I must say though - while yoga has done wonders for my health and physical body, it it has yet to take any effect on me, mentally and spiritually. I am still as anxious as ever and during shavasana (corpse pose where you lie on the floor and do nothing), I find myself ruminating (and entertaining) all kinds of thoughts in my head. I am at my wit's end really, I am aware that anxiety is taking over my life but nothing seems to be helping. 

I could of course go to a psychologist to talk things through and maybe undergo cognitive behavior therapy but the costs are way beyond my means. Sadly, mental illness is not covered by group insurance. Which goes to show that mental illness is still very much a stigma and people would rather sweep it under the rug than to acknowledge that it is becoming a common health concern in our modern society. Illnesses like cancer are easy to define (I am in no way suggesting that a cancer diagnosis is any cause for celebration) but mental illnesses are harder, in a sense that there are no physical symptoms. Some people accuse you of faking it, insisting that everything is in your head. 

Really, I wish my brains would just shut the hell up. Some days I wonder if being deaf would do me good because I am so hyper sensitive to sounds that I get anxious whenever I hear a bus or a motorcycle roaring past. It makes my blood boil and I become annoyed, angry and uneasy. If I had it my way and if money was no objection, I would stay at home all day, in my own little bubble where I feel safe and protected from danger - perceived or otherwise. 

Source: other-worldly tumblr

scenes from lunar new year...

Gong Xi Fa Cai! Welcome to the year of the wooden horse! By next year, I hope to be proficient enough to write Chinese New Year greetings in Mandarin. According to Joey Yap's calculations, today is an inauspicious day for those born in the year of the rat to commence work but I had no choice; I actually had urgent work to complete. Bummer...please don't let the rest of my year be doomed. I am acutely aware that people born in the year of the horse do not get along well with people born in the year of the rat but don't forget that we have to take into account the element as well. 2014 is year of the wooden horse and I am a wooden rat so perhaps this will work in my favor. Just my humble two cents as a feng shui novice! 

My CNY break was quite good although I did have a minor spat with my dad on the 2nd day of the new year. He made a callous remark about me and I went on a defensive mode, raising my voice but thankfully, it did not lead to a full blown argument. Otherwise, this would have been terribly unfortunate - to be fighting on the 2nd day of the 1st month in the new lunar year, at a time where families are supposed to gather, give ang baos, eat kams, gamble, be merry and do nothing else. 

The steamboat pot is an ancient relic. 

Straits Quay before the sun sets

Cai Shen in Kelawai Road, Penang

Today I hit an all time low, even for someone like me. 

How is it possible that I have busier weekends now that I am single compared to when I had a boyfriend?* The list of things to do never seem to end. Or maybe it's the festive season. Spring cleaning, making sure everything is spick and span, ensuring that the house is ready to welcome the year of the horse! 

I managed to catch "Her" on Friday night. I was alone and had to bump into an author whom I am currently working with on a book. I was stuffing a hotdog into my mouth when he saw me. Talk about looking undignified and greedy. I thought the movie was interesting, and quite sad. But the part where Theodore said "I will never love anyone as much as I loved you" (don't quote me on the exact words but he did say something to that effect), I cringed. I can't understand how he could have fallen in love with an Artificial Intelligence, I mean how deranged and crazy do you have to be? I understand that he has fallen in love with her but to say that she is the person he loves most in his life seems rather far-fetched. She's not even human. And I was under the impression throughout the entire movie that his ex-wife was whom he clearly loves. He fell in love with Samantha because he was lonely and depressed over the divorce. 

I went for a 45 minute swim yesterday, did laundry, waited for the courier guy to deliver my study materials, had an appointment in town at 2pm, ate Korean food for dinner, came back and cleaned the house. Today, I brought my car out for a wash, changed the light bulbs at home, cleaned some more, took a nap in the afternoon, went for yoga class, had dinner with some friends and now, I am back here. 

This week will be a short one at work as the lunar new year holiday starts on Friday. I will be taking the bus to Penang on Thursday morning and I hope the traffic is kind and forgiving. As per traditions, we gather for reunion dinner on the eve of lunar new year. Last year we had steamboat but I am not sure if we are having this again. Sometimes, we have rice and dishes instead. After that we hang around (I hang around, my mother and aunt will be busy doing last minute cleaning) and wait for midnight. Once the clock strikes 12, we will pray to the altars in our house, greet each other, make positive statements, drink, munch on cookies or eat kam (Mandarin oranges) watch tv, talk. These traditions have been in place for as long as I can remember and things have never really changed. It was certainly more exciting, noisy and fun though when my brother still lived with us as he is the jovial one in our family. Years ago when my grandfather was alive, we burned fire crackers outside our house. In fact, the rest of our neighbors would burn long fire crackers as well and I remember our streets roaring with the merry sounds of joy. Those were happier, simpler times and I was a mere child. 

*Well technically, G (name of boyfriend) and I are on a break from our relationship due to a few unresolved issues. But since we have not been in touch I have no idea if he has moved on so I rather tell people I am single rather than having to explain the complicated nature of our relationship. Or worse, say I am attached and find out months later that my boyfriend is already with someone else lolz. 

Monday blues...did not have a productive day at work. Spent most of my time reading feng shui stuff (I bought a cut out of a dragon in red to put in the office, so I was reading up on where I should place the dragon for maximum luck. Dragon symbolizes many things in Chinese culture - among others, prosperity, abundance, success, power, courage...). I also need to buy a metal photo frame (it has to be metal and not wood, that's how specific it has to be) and I must place this at the east of my desk, and the dragon should be no higher than eye level. Feng shui must be done correctly (as in you must place the correct object at the appropriate place) otherwise it will not yield positive results. 

I did some reading in the train today, had salad for dinner, scrubbed my toilet and I am now waiting to watch Criminal Minds on television. 

I was just thinking yesterday, once I am done with my CPA exams (hopefully I pass my last paper which I will be sitting for in April), I am planning to enroll myself in language school to learn Mandarin. I am done with a lifetime of not understanding my mother tongue (although I speak proficient Hokkien this does not count as it is merely a dialect). 29 years of denying such an integral part of my own cultural identity is embarrassing and this ignorance has got to end. 

A police stopped me yesterday for making an illegal U-turn yesterday. He blatantly asked me for a bribe and then had the nerve to ask me to be discreet while passing the fifty ringgit note to him. Corruption in broad daylight on a Sunday afternoon - another ordinary day in Malaysia. And we speak of progress, transformation, fair and transparent governance...all these are theories and concepts derived from books and speeches. When push comes to shove, we her citizens are all dishonest cheats.  

I had a pretty eventful weekend, considering that I was expecting a quiet one. To kick off the weekend, I went for a morning swim, came back and bummed a little, was on the internet doing unproductive shit for a few hours, did some laundry, headed down to town because I needed to purchase bus tickets, came back and rested for a bit. In the evening, I hauled my ass out of the house, went to a nearby mall to grab dinner (aglio olio) and booked a movie ticket (The Lone Survivor) for one. I thought the movie was too sentimental. I am an avid fan of war movies (and books for that matter), however this one fell a little short, in my opinion. I felt that the background music was a little out of place and distracting. The movie is based on the true accounts of the surviving SEAL who went on an operation that obviously failed (the SEALs made a fatal mistake that compromised the mission and cost all their lives, and more, except one. Don't they know that the needs of many outweigh the needs of a few? I quote Spock) so it is interesting to see the Afghan war played out on the big screen. I have seen many movies on WW2, but not so much on the ongoing war in Afghanistan. I wonder how many more US troops will have to die for a war that is not even theirs, before it ends. 

The movie only started at 9.20 pm and I was early so to kill time, I went to the arcade to shoot some hoops. I scored 15 goals (at least). 

Solo Saturday night fun!

Today, I met my landlord for lunch (nasi dagang), hung out with her at home, went for yoga class and to the temple after that. I spent about 30 minutes at the temple (praying and communicating to a higher power) and I know I wrote previously about my inability to believe and trust God but sometimes, one gets hopelessly lost that religion seems to be the only answer. 

I am disappointed to say that I did almost no reading this weekend. I will have to catch up on the book I am currently reading, Jeffery Eugenides's The Virgin Suicides). Books I have read so far in 2014:

1. Life of Pi, Yann Martel (Reread)
2. Atonement, Ian McEwan (Reread)
3. Fault of Our Stars, John Green  

I hope you are well and happy. It may seem futile for you to know this, but I think of you most before I fall asleep. In the silence of an eternal night, I succumb to loneliness and I am consumed with unspeakable sadness that I drift to sleep with tears on my pillow. 

I know I need to do something and change my life (my job especially!) instead of moping around, stalking random people on FB but it is so damn hard trying to break this habit of obsessing. I had a mini meltdown today at work. One of my colleagues kept asking me nonsensical, redundant questions like how was breakfast, how was lunch, how was dinner... I went over the edge and told her off. On g talk of course, nobody talks face to face anymore.

In case any of you reading this think I whine too much and do too little, for the record, I have been applying for jobs online. It is not my fault that the job opportunities for editors are so few. There were a couple of prospective employers (namely The Edge and RHB) that called me up for interviews late last year but due to a negative leave balance, I had to decline their invitations.  And it is not in my character to take a last minute MC (mostly due to fear of being judged and subsequently ostracized by my peers. For your information, I was given the silent treatment by my bosses and peers alike in my previous company when they found out I was leaving. My termination was 2 months so they pretty much shut me off for that amount of time. In their eyes, I was a traitor and I was beyond redemption. On my last day, my perpetrators continued to ignore me. In fact, the Queen Bee of the group wrote on her g talk status that she would never accept me as a group member. I never recovered from that trauma and this explains why I have this insatiable desire to be liked). In hindsight, I should have taken the risk (of being treated like a pariah) and gone for the interviews anyway, especially the RHB one. I am so unhappy at work right now that it eclipses the pain that follows a broken relationship. 

I guess this explains why I hardly think of you all that much. And even if I do, the thoughts are predominantly negative ones. I remember wanting to push you down the building of a mall, screaming in the parking lot, I remember not wanting to take selfies with you, not allowing you to drive my mother's car, I remember arguing over a diverse range of both serious and frivolous issues - the ethics of abortion, euthanasia, homosexuality, my negativity, your optimism...My memories of the time we spent together (5 years in totality) are becoming unreliable because at this point, I can't seem to conjure any happy memories and I know we did have some. Oh here is one, we used to make fun and laugh at other couples for their public displays of affection. 

Sometimes I feel incredibly lonely at home, especially on a Friday night like tonight. The silence is incredibly deafening even for someone like me who appreciates peace and quiet. I spent the last weekend not speaking to anyone (except for cashiers at shops and virtual communication with friends) and this weekend is likely to be the same. I could call some friends and hang out but I rather not as this would mean I’d have to be social and entertain their intrusive questions. I am certainly a walking contradiction – I am lonely and yet I hate people.

I instant messaged my boss at work today and told her I’d like to exchange books with her. I hope she doesn’t think I am sucking up to her. I genuinely want to get to know her better. I told her I’d bring ‘Life of Pi’ for her on Monday. She said she doesn’t like profound books as she doesn’t like to think too much and life is depressing enough as it is, but I told her to give it a shot anyway. I personally think Life of Pi is a sad story although Pi survives, because he lost his entire family and had to endure months of misery, lost at sea. The book talks about religion, and argues for the case of God’s existence, but if I was Pi and if I had to go through what he did, I would have lost my faith long ago.

You used to tell me that you could never understand the fundamentals of suffering, even as a believer. But in our limited human ability to comprehend, it is not up to us to question God’s ways. I desperately wanted to believe you; that we are all one lifetime away from paradise, but I never could and I envy you, because you do and you are a much happier person for it. 

Today was a bad day. I received a piece of news at work which didn't exactly shock me (I definitely saw this one coming) but it didn't thrill me either. I wish this would be resolved already, I am tired of sitting around speculating and waiting for confirmation. Some idiotic guy's bag also rolled over my feet while I was walking on the way back from work and he did not even have the courtesy to apologise. One day, I will really lose it and create a scene by shouting and screaming like the maniac that I am. 

Tomorrow is a state holiday but unfortunately our company does not observe Thaipusam so I will be stuck at work. In the spirit of mourning (because I will be in the office), I shall wear my new black dress from Uniglo. 

I saw some old pictures of you and your female friend on Facebook and I must say, you guys look adorable together. You two look like a real couple, like you belong to each other which is so unlike any of the (rare) photographs that we ever took. You even had your arm around her shoulders, that was probably a friendly gesture and even if it was not purely platonic, I sure as heck do not have the privilege to be jealous. 

I have made an appointment with the hairdresser at the ground floor of my apartment tomorrow at 7pm. CNY is approaching so gotta snip the "soi" away! Especially in the year of the horse which is bound to bring conflict to those born in the year of the rat. But then again, Chinese horoscopes cannot be read so generally, for accurate assessment of your fortunes, you will need to consult a feng shui master / geomancer, who will need further information (ie date and time of birth forms part of the crucial information required). I have actually contacted my friend's mother, who is Joey Yap's student for a session (since my life has pretty much to gone to the dumps since 6 years ago) and I am waiting for her to revert. Fees are not cheap but I rather pay and have peace of mind rather than walk around aimlessly, wondering why life is just a series of unfortunate events! 

Things to do while we are on a prolonged sabbatical:

1. Fix light bulbs
2. Buy bus tickets
3. Change SIM card
4. Go watch a movie alone
5. Read
6. Job hunt so I can leave my toxic company which gives me a monthly income but erodes my soul! I hate open plan offices! Proof that I am not the only one. http://www.theguardian.com/news/2013/nov/18/open-plan-offices-bad-harvard-business-review 

I am the world's biggest loner and introversion pretty much defines who I am. I cannot interact when I know 5 other people may be listening, hanging on to my every word and silently judging me. Sometimes, I can't even walk to the toilet or go outside to take a confidential phone call because I know that there are people watching my every move. Also, I sit next to my boss. How is that for "soi" (misfortune)? 

FYI, I was socially ostracized and emotionally bullied by a group of mean girls in my previous company for about a year, so perhaps this may have rendered me completely incapable of acting like a normal human being. I am now constantly on the edge, anxious, self conscious, paranoid and I live in perpetual fear, that one day, my colleagues may turn on me again, like how they did previously. And that kind of social isolation and humiliation changes you forever, it damages you to the point that you become a shadow of your former self. I could never understand why I became a victim of such hostility and it confirmed my belief that life is completely and totally unjust. That you can just be an innocent bystander and still be injured by evil forces beyond your control (so much for free will). 

The truth is that the fear never leaves you. You pretend that this time, it will be different, it will not happen again.  And yet there is that nagging fear, however small, that you just never know. Your enemies are closer than you think. 

Nothing remarkable happened today. Which is better than having something unfortunate occur so I guess I should count my blessings. I took the train to work as usual and managed to read a short story from Yoko Ogawa's Revenge. Her stories are dark, menacing and disturbing but that is precisely the reason why I am so drawn to them. I think she understands the human psyche very well; that we as humans are capable of great cruelty more than we are of goodness. I have never been a ray of sunshine or a beacon of light, not even when we were together. I marveled constantly at your ability to be happy. 

I used to be such a happy teenager, so full of wonder, dreams and ideals. Over the years, I have become cynical, jaded and apathetic, to the point that I sometimes ignore elderly tourists when they ask for directions around the city. I am not proud to see the person I have become but life experiences and it's many tragic circumstances have left me broken, wounded, never to be whole. I wonder how it feels like to be a good person again. To perform a charitable act and not expect something in return. To give selflessly. To sacrifice for another person's greater good. 

Beatitudes. 

I had dinner alone today at 6-10 grill. The price of the lamb chop has increased by RM4 which brings it to RM23 now. How will the ordinary rakyat survive the next few years, with such drastic increase in our costs of living? 

I don't know if this is the right thing to do, writing details of my life down. I mean this is not a letters-to-an-ex-boyfriend tumblr. I guess I should take this as a good opportunity to start writing again, and I should not see this as a letter written specifically for a certain person, but more like a letter written and addressed to the abstract idea of a person. I miss having someone to talk to at the end of a day and a blog is a poor substitute because it cannot respond, or joke, or laugh or offer support, but at this point, it will have to suffice. 

It has been a week since we last spoke, I think. I have not been counting the days and I don't dwell on it. Everything is pretty much the same; I take the train to work like normal, spend hours feeling trapped, monitored and observed at my desk (desk, not cubicle as there are no partitions), eat lunch which consists mostly of rice and vegetables, read a book on my way back from work (remember I told you earlier this year that I attempt to read 12 books in 2014? I have read 3 so far and it is still January!), do some laundry at home and spend some nights crying myself to sleep. Not all nights though, some nights are better than others. 

Yesterday, a parcel arrived for my friend and me at work. It was the fake Cartier rose gold bracelet we had bought last year for less than RM30 each. I wore it immediately and it was there on my left wrist, where I wear my watch, for the rest of the day. I met Elaine for dinner last night at this Korean restaurant near her office downtown and I thought, it would have been a place where I would have introduced to you. She paid the bill first, as I was down to my last RM100 and told her I'd pay her back later when my salary comes in (which should be either today or tomorrow). While I was in the LRT, on the way back from dinner, this lady next to me commented on my bracelet and asked "Is this Cartier?" I told her the truth - that I had bought it at Deal Mates for less than RM30. And then I thought of you again, for the second time that night. Because if I had told you the story as I usually would at the end of every work day, you would have teased me mercilessly on my misguided joy, when complimented. 

Today, I went to work (although it is a public holiday) and amazingly enough, I was productive although the building's air conditioned was turned off and it was excruciatingly humid and hot. I have a tax guide that is due for print clearance on the first week of February. The book is uninteresting, bland, unstructured and messy. I ate cheese and bread for dinner tonight, with a small bottle of grape flavored Vitagen. I wonder if you ever got around to downing 5 bottles of Vitagen, like you previously did. Maybe you should, if you haven't. 

I know this time apart is supposed to be reflective and contemplative. I am to spend the next couple of months thinking about our future together and whether or not I'd want to be a part of your life until the end of days. I will think about this, and I will do it seriously. I am just constantly distracted by all these other daily inconveniences. I am weary, G, I am weary of a world that I don't feel I belong in and of a society that does not truly accept me.