...love leaves a memory no one can steal

Some of you may know this, and some of you may not.

To cut the long story short, I've been dating this Catholic guy who is pretty devout for the past 16 months. Marriage at this point, while may seem quite presumptuous, is only the natural order of things. If I marry this guy, I will have to attend the 6 month marriage course taught by the Church, get married in Church, take a vow to raise our hypothetical children to be Catholics (baptism, Cathetism, Sunday mass, the works) and not use any artificial forms of birth control or any other funny methods that will prevent conception (e.g. "pulling out").

Now, I was raised in a traditional Buddhist household with a bit of Taoism influences infused here and there. My mantra in life has always been just "If you can't do good, then do no harm". I try my hardest to do the right thing only to fail, I am not always patient, definitely not always compassionate and I struggle to be a good person, all the time. There is a lot about Catholicsm that I will never understand. Faith and beliefs are after all very personal and the journey in building a loving relationship with God is often, very rewarding.

I am not going to go into the reasons as to why I don't agree with the teachings of the Church. These debates and arguments are endless. Intellectuals, philosophers and scientists have all discussed this to death with no definitive conclusions, thus making the arguments moot, futile and a complete waste of time. People will believe whatever they want to. Faith is a belief in something that you cannot see and therefore, there is nothing to prove.

My Catholic friend has derived most of his identity from his religion - much of the traits that I love(d) about him (e.g. humility, kindness, loyalty, fidelity, selflessness and patience) are presumably a direct result from his association with God and the Church. If I can accept and love all these personality traits, then I will also have to accept and love his religious beliefs and practices. After all, he's not just half of a person, he is a whole person. Besides, no one is perfect and no relationship is without its fair share of problems. There are no moral absolutes.

So in my situation, do I compromise and live my entire marriage life in fear that I will give birth to more children that I am emotionally and financially ready for? Children are a blessing, no doubt. If sex wasn't inseparable from procreation, you and I would not even exist. I am definitely open to life - just not more than I can handle. Parenting is life-altering - children are a life-long commitment and the responsibility that comes with rearing even one child is enormous. Please bear in mind I am not Catholic hence I lack faith that God somehow, will provide. If that were the case, the problems of starving children in Africa would have been solved.

I suffer, daily from this predicament that I am in. It is pain for me, either way. Nowadays, when I do pray to God, I no longer pray for Him to keep us happy, instead I pray for courage and strength needed to let him (and essentially, the concept of "us") go. Break ups are heartachingly painful - you feel like you've lost a part of you that you can never quite get back.

Whichever road I decide to take, I hope I will never look back in regret and remorse.

...california, here we come

I miss The OC.

I will always love Ryan Attwood and Marissa Cooper.