I asked my friend this question today - if you could live your life again knowing what you know now, is there anything you would have done differently? He said he wouldn't, because that would mean he would not be who and where he is. 

I would. I would have studied hardier in school, really make those History, Science and Mathematics lessons count. I would not have stopped writing just because I started working. I would have continued reading books, listened to real music (Nirvana, Snow Patrol, Vivaldi). I would have stayed in touch with friends from school. I would not have wasted so much money on objects that held no economic value. I would have learned swimming and yoga much earlier, and not let fear stand in the way. I would never have lost my way and most of all, I would have retained my true passion for words and the English language. 

Anyway, I have been wasting a lot of time on stormfront.org which is a white supremacy forum. The white supremacists argue (convincingly) that they are the master race because of their genetic intelligence and good looks (blonde hair, blue eyes). Well, the western civilization have indeed made significant contributions to the betterment of society. Every important invention in the last few centuries have been invented by whites - telephone, energy, cars, internet, airplanes. Theory has it that the early humans who traveled out of Africa evolved faster than those who remained because the harsh conditions of the northern hemisphere forced them to be creative and innovative. The Africans on the other hand, never left the land so they became complacent and remained primitive. Take this with a grain of salt if you wish, but some of the arguments above are quite valid. When was the last time an African invented something? Has anyone wanted to try African cuisine the way one would try Indian, Japanese, Italian, Greek cuisine? 

East Asians supposedly have the highest IQs (I think this was researched in The Bell Curve), several points ahead of Caucasians. This is logical and a reasonable conclusion if you take into consideration the progress of developed nations like Japan and South Korea. Do homogenous societies work better than multicultural ones? Look at our own backyard - we claim that diversity is our strength but we bicker every day, on racially based issues. The ugly truth is, we fear what we do not understand. We identify better with people who look and think the same way that we do and we distrust people who are different. Conflicts are inevitable even with people who are similar, what more can you expect from people with diverse culture, religion, ideology, heritage and history? Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if our forefathers never ventured out of China or India. But then again, as evidenced by the men who traveled out of Africa, change is necessary and can be a good thing. It teaches you perseverance, courage and strength. 

In my quest to lose weight, I have been attending yoga classes regularly for the past seven months. Some classes are more brutal than others but I generally come out of them feeling exhilarated and rejuvenated. I don't know the names of most asanas (except for downward dog hahaha) and I am fearful of any pose that requires inversion but I will say this - I love yoga and if I didn't have a full time job which consumes 2/3 of my life, I'd practice it daily. I wish I had been introduced to yoga and it's endless benefits earlier (maybe when I was twenty?), but you know what they say, better late than never. 

I have a bit of an anxiety problem. My aunt was clinically diagnosed with this so maybe it is hereditary. Anxiety is no walk in the part. You interpret the world as a place that is constantly threatening and menacing, and everyone is part of this conspiracy, designed to put you at harm's way. I worry and obsess endlessly about everything. A couple of nights ago, I suddenly had this thought that I had included the wrong ISBN in a book that has already been published. A hundred and one negative outcomes that could potentially arise, as a result of my (presumed) error ran across my head. It was to say the very least, stressful. 

Yoga, because of it's meditative nature is supposed to calm a disturbed mind. I must say though - while yoga has done wonders for my health and physical body, it it has yet to take any effect on me, mentally and spiritually. I am still as anxious as ever and during shavasana (corpse pose where you lie on the floor and do nothing), I find myself ruminating (and entertaining) all kinds of thoughts in my head. I am at my wit's end really, I am aware that anxiety is taking over my life but nothing seems to be helping. 

I could of course go to a psychologist to talk things through and maybe undergo cognitive behavior therapy but the costs are way beyond my means. Sadly, mental illness is not covered by group insurance. Which goes to show that mental illness is still very much a stigma and people would rather sweep it under the rug than to acknowledge that it is becoming a common health concern in our modern society. Illnesses like cancer are easy to define (I am in no way suggesting that a cancer diagnosis is any cause for celebration) but mental illnesses are harder, in a sense that there are no physical symptoms. Some people accuse you of faking it, insisting that everything is in your head. 

Really, I wish my brains would just shut the hell up. Some days I wonder if being deaf would do me good because I am so hyper sensitive to sounds that I get anxious whenever I hear a bus or a motorcycle roaring past. It makes my blood boil and I become annoyed, angry and uneasy. If I had it my way and if money was no objection, I would stay at home all day, in my own little bubble where I feel safe and protected from danger - perceived or otherwise.