The thing that scares me most about getting married, child-birth and growing older is the loss of hope. When you are 25, single and free, you know that there is more to life than just this; you know that things can and will get better; you can still live in Tokyo, Africa, Prague; your ambitions of writing the Great Novel can still come true; you will eventually save the world and someday, you will find Love. People say that life isn't about waiting for something extraordinary to happen, but finding happiness in the insignificant details like the smell of roses and rain on a beautiful Sunday morning. But to me, it's the faith and belief that there is more to life than just this that gives me comfort when the monotony of daily grind seem to take over. There has to be.
I want to live life like a song from Peter Pan. Poetic, romantic, haunting and heart breakingly beautiful. I want to be able to converse in Japanese with a stranger in a train on the way to Narita. I want to read Murakami in a Parisian cafe; eat croissants, smoke a cigaratte (a herbal one that is) and drink lattes. I want to paint more walls in orphanages, work with United Nations, adopt a Maltese, run marathons, sit on a sandy beach in Penang and marvel in awe of the beauty of it all, meet an attractive guy in a stuffy club where soft, seductive jazz is being played and wonder with excitement, "Could this be Love? If we can't be together in this life, then I'll see you in the next one".
These are some of the things I used to dream about when I was younger. And I always had hope that next year will be the year. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. I cannot seem to find peace and contentment within myself. Everybody I know is moving on, making plans, getting engaged, married, giving birth, buying houses, playing golf...and I'm just here, drifting like a floating device on a stormy ocean, sometimes lonely...mostly lost. I will go where the waves, wind and heart will take me, even if it leads me nowhere. Life is a series of unfortunate events, seemingly meaningless unless you discover for purpose on your own, always challenging but oh, so, so, worth it. To see a rainbow, to listen to a concerto, to smell a blooming rose, to taste a lover's kiss, to touch a child's hair...
"To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour."
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