...money clarifies one's speech greatly, while no one listens to the poor

I had a bit of an unforeseen three figure expenditure today. It breaks my heart to see my bank account disappear bit by bit, just like that. Especially knowing that it takes me so hard to earn my insignificant sum of income. Slaving weekdays from 8.30am till 5.30pm, acting indifferent to office politics and bitchy comments, but actually taking all of it to heart, dealing with demanding clients, sending endless e-mails and crunching tiresome computations...

Is this the consequence of a proper education at school and later, university? Did we waste our youth studying for exams, writing papers and assignments only to be subjected to the dull monotony of office life and torture of modern slavery? What makes my situation even worse is the infinitesimal compensation and benefits that I am currently generating from my employment. What kind of life is this if you work so hard, every day, yet at the end of the month, you are unable to afford the things that you like? Shoes, clothes, perfume, books...

It sure as hell is demotivating. Working to make ends meet. I work just to have some kind of sustainability in life. I envy people from rich families, there I said it. I even resent their wealth which presents them with infinite opportunities and possibilities. Travels abroad, designer clothes and bags, spacious houses, huge cars, dining out at fancy restaurants...never ever having a financial worry. They do not have bills to pay, instalment payments to meet and other financial obligations and expenses (e.g. bare necessities such as bread, cheese, milk, laundry detergent, petrol, car servicing fees, parking fees etc).

And it's these people that dare to question my quality of life..."Why do you never go anywhere, why don't you buy this and that, why did you buy such a small car, why don't you buy a house..." As if money will just fall from the sky and into my hands. I do not have disposable income to make unnecessary purchases. I make sacrifices, like limiting myself to RM15 per day for 3 meals in order to buy some shoes that I like (but I will probably dislike in 3 weeks time). Until I receive a lucrative salary, I will continue to budget and live within my measly means. I will not fall to the evil traps of consumerism where people are being conditioned to believe that the more that they purchase, possess and own, the better of a person they are! We are not defined by the purchases that we make with money that we do not have!

covenant of love...

Everyone's either getting married or pregnant these days. I guess this is nature's way to ensure continuation of humankind. Me, personally, I am impartial towards the idea of marriage. Staying together with another male person for the next 50 years of my life doesn't really sound appealing. It's comfortable sure, but haven't we all heard the old adage "familiarity breeds contempt?"

In my ideal world, if by some miracle or divine intervention, I do eventually decide to say "I do" to some unfortunate guy, I sure as hell do not want a big wedding with the white, poufy dress, plastering on some fake smile on my face the entire day. No expensive photograph sessions at some pseudo glamarous location, gazing into each other eyes with adoration and admiration either. Memories are not captured by expensive cameras and photographs, contrary to what Kodak and Canon would advertise, but instead, the heart. If I had it my way, I would rather just have the legal ceremony without all that other pomp and circumstance. Why should the declaration of infinite and eternal love be reduced to a parade? Shouldn't it be the marriage that counts and not the wedding day itself?

I guess all my indifference towards this overrated social institution in life stems from childhood. My parents were incompatible in 188 ways, my father was a habitual gambler and my mother, a suffering housewife. Nothing crushes spirit, romance, love and even life the way poverty does. While she doesn't discourage me to get hitched, she never blatantly encourages it either (the way other mothers who probably had happier unions would).

Let's not let society and tradition dictate how we should live. Let's not succumb to the pressures and expectations of other people. Let's all choose the kind of lives we really want - even if it may seem unimaginable to narrow minded bigots.

let there be light!

I bought some chrysanthemums yesterday. I wish to start the new year on a good note - hence my attempt at being a Earth Mother; radiating warmth, kindness and happiness! I vow to water my plant everyday, keeping the soil nice and moist. Look! I have even given it artificial sunlight to compensate for the lack of natural sunlight!

a leap of faith

My manager at work is one of the biggest cowards I've ever had the misfortune to work with. She runs away at any sign of problems and she throws her staff to face the wrath of our Partner whenever a crisis arise. Needless to say, as a result of her unreasonable self defense strategies, she lands herself in a bigger soup than she would if she had just owned up to her mistakes and take the bullet in the very first place.

It's people like her that make me realize that sometimes, the more we protect ourselves, the more we end up getting hurt. After all, our lives are governed by forces that we have absolutely no control over. Divine intervention, fate, destiny. As much as we can plan and design, we cannot decide or confirm the outcome of our lives. Which is why I think it's best to just let go...and to find the strength within ourselves to go on, under all circumstances, to take a leap of faith and to trust in life itself; that there will be ups and downs, joy and sadness, good days, bad days, success and failures, wealth and poverty; after all, this too shall pass.