...money clarifies one's speech greatly, while no one listens to the poor

I had a bit of an unforeseen three figure expenditure today. It breaks my heart to see my bank account disappear bit by bit, just like that. Especially knowing that it takes me so hard to earn my insignificant sum of income. Slaving weekdays from 8.30am till 5.30pm, acting indifferent to office politics and bitchy comments, but actually taking all of it to heart, dealing with demanding clients, sending endless e-mails and crunching tiresome computations...

Is this the consequence of a proper education at school and later, university? Did we waste our youth studying for exams, writing papers and assignments only to be subjected to the dull monotony of office life and torture of modern slavery? What makes my situation even worse is the infinitesimal compensation and benefits that I am currently generating from my employment. What kind of life is this if you work so hard, every day, yet at the end of the month, you are unable to afford the things that you like? Shoes, clothes, perfume, books...

It sure as hell is demotivating. Working to make ends meet. I work just to have some kind of sustainability in life. I envy people from rich families, there I said it. I even resent their wealth which presents them with infinite opportunities and possibilities. Travels abroad, designer clothes and bags, spacious houses, huge cars, dining out at fancy restaurants...never ever having a financial worry. They do not have bills to pay, instalment payments to meet and other financial obligations and expenses (e.g. bare necessities such as bread, cheese, milk, laundry detergent, petrol, car servicing fees, parking fees etc).

And it's these people that dare to question my quality of life..."Why do you never go anywhere, why don't you buy this and that, why did you buy such a small car, why don't you buy a house..." As if money will just fall from the sky and into my hands. I do not have disposable income to make unnecessary purchases. I make sacrifices, like limiting myself to RM15 per day for 3 meals in order to buy some shoes that I like (but I will probably dislike in 3 weeks time). Until I receive a lucrative salary, I will continue to budget and live within my measly means. I will not fall to the evil traps of consumerism where people are being conditioned to believe that the more that they purchase, possess and own, the better of a person they are! We are not defined by the purchases that we make with money that we do not have!

covenant of love...

Everyone's either getting married or pregnant these days. I guess this is nature's way to ensure continuation of humankind. Me, personally, I am impartial towards the idea of marriage. Staying together with another male person for the next 50 years of my life doesn't really sound appealing. It's comfortable sure, but haven't we all heard the old adage "familiarity breeds contempt?"

In my ideal world, if by some miracle or divine intervention, I do eventually decide to say "I do" to some unfortunate guy, I sure as hell do not want a big wedding with the white, poufy dress, plastering on some fake smile on my face the entire day. No expensive photograph sessions at some pseudo glamarous location, gazing into each other eyes with adoration and admiration either. Memories are not captured by expensive cameras and photographs, contrary to what Kodak and Canon would advertise, but instead, the heart. If I had it my way, I would rather just have the legal ceremony without all that other pomp and circumstance. Why should the declaration of infinite and eternal love be reduced to a parade? Shouldn't it be the marriage that counts and not the wedding day itself?

I guess all my indifference towards this overrated social institution in life stems from childhood. My parents were incompatible in 188 ways, my father was a habitual gambler and my mother, a suffering housewife. Nothing crushes spirit, romance, love and even life the way poverty does. While she doesn't discourage me to get hitched, she never blatantly encourages it either (the way other mothers who probably had happier unions would).

Let's not let society and tradition dictate how we should live. Let's not succumb to the pressures and expectations of other people. Let's all choose the kind of lives we really want - even if it may seem unimaginable to narrow minded bigots.

let there be light!

I bought some chrysanthemums yesterday. I wish to start the new year on a good note - hence my attempt at being a Earth Mother; radiating warmth, kindness and happiness! I vow to water my plant everyday, keeping the soil nice and moist. Look! I have even given it artificial sunlight to compensate for the lack of natural sunlight!

a leap of faith

My manager at work is one of the biggest cowards I've ever had the misfortune to work with. She runs away at any sign of problems and she throws her staff to face the wrath of our Partner whenever a crisis arise. Needless to say, as a result of her unreasonable self defense strategies, she lands herself in a bigger soup than she would if she had just owned up to her mistakes and take the bullet in the very first place.

It's people like her that make me realize that sometimes, the more we protect ourselves, the more we end up getting hurt. After all, our lives are governed by forces that we have absolutely no control over. Divine intervention, fate, destiny. As much as we can plan and design, we cannot decide or confirm the outcome of our lives. Which is why I think it's best to just let go...and to find the strength within ourselves to go on, under all circumstances, to take a leap of faith and to trust in life itself; that there will be ups and downs, joy and sadness, good days, bad days, success and failures, wealth and poverty; after all, this too shall pass.

happy new year!!!

The conundrum of my adult life is this: how time crawls from 8.30am to 5.30pm on a working weekday yet the seconds just seem to fly by on weekends, public holidays and sick days.

I guess time is indeed, relative. Anyway, it's the final day of 2010 and in 2011, I strive to accomplish the following:

a) To be a dutiful daughter, a productive employee, a focused student, a thoughtful friend, a loving girlfriend and a strong swimmer;
b) To pass my exams.

I have no other lofty ambitions apart from the above. Better to set realistic goals lest I disappoint myself.

Wishing all my friends near and far a very, very prosperous and happy 2011!!

nostalgia

Hey Rach! You are probably the only person that reads this blog :D

Seeing how difficult it is for us to maintain a friendship due to differences in time zone and your hectic schedule (you know, saving lives is pretty time consuming :D), I thought why not get my message across through my blog instead of text messaging you (which is super expensive) or leaving you offline MSN messages.

I really want to tell you that I appreciate your friendship greatly. I don't stay in touch with many people from CPT days and I don't pretend to be all buddy buddy with them when I do see them (virtually or otherwise) but with you, I take the time and effort to stay in touch. You and I share the same cynical outlook in life. We're both realists yet sometimes I wonder if we're trully optimists in disguise. I guess we're balanced. Not always happy, but we're somewhat hopeful. We believe that there is more to life than just the whole idealized white picket fences, four wheel drive and a family pet dream.

I miss our nights hanging out at Bagan bad mouthing teenage wannabees. You are loud, you are crazy, you are funny, you are a genius but most importantly, you have been an amazing friend to me all these years. I treasure what we have and I will always, always hold a place for you in my heart even if we do eventually drift apart.

...love leaves a memory no one can steal

Some of you may know this, and some of you may not.

To cut the long story short, I've been dating this Catholic guy who is pretty devout for the past 16 months. Marriage at this point, while may seem quite presumptuous, is only the natural order of things. If I marry this guy, I will have to attend the 6 month marriage course taught by the Church, get married in Church, take a vow to raise our hypothetical children to be Catholics (baptism, Cathetism, Sunday mass, the works) and not use any artificial forms of birth control or any other funny methods that will prevent conception (e.g. "pulling out").

Now, I was raised in a traditional Buddhist household with a bit of Taoism influences infused here and there. My mantra in life has always been just "If you can't do good, then do no harm". I try my hardest to do the right thing only to fail, I am not always patient, definitely not always compassionate and I struggle to be a good person, all the time. There is a lot about Catholicsm that I will never understand. Faith and beliefs are after all very personal and the journey in building a loving relationship with God is often, very rewarding.

I am not going to go into the reasons as to why I don't agree with the teachings of the Church. These debates and arguments are endless. Intellectuals, philosophers and scientists have all discussed this to death with no definitive conclusions, thus making the arguments moot, futile and a complete waste of time. People will believe whatever they want to. Faith is a belief in something that you cannot see and therefore, there is nothing to prove.

My Catholic friend has derived most of his identity from his religion - much of the traits that I love(d) about him (e.g. humility, kindness, loyalty, fidelity, selflessness and patience) are presumably a direct result from his association with God and the Church. If I can accept and love all these personality traits, then I will also have to accept and love his religious beliefs and practices. After all, he's not just half of a person, he is a whole person. Besides, no one is perfect and no relationship is without its fair share of problems. There are no moral absolutes.

So in my situation, do I compromise and live my entire marriage life in fear that I will give birth to more children that I am emotionally and financially ready for? Children are a blessing, no doubt. If sex wasn't inseparable from procreation, you and I would not even exist. I am definitely open to life - just not more than I can handle. Parenting is life-altering - children are a life-long commitment and the responsibility that comes with rearing even one child is enormous. Please bear in mind I am not Catholic hence I lack faith that God somehow, will provide. If that were the case, the problems of starving children in Africa would have been solved.

I suffer, daily from this predicament that I am in. It is pain for me, either way. Nowadays, when I do pray to God, I no longer pray for Him to keep us happy, instead I pray for courage and strength needed to let him (and essentially, the concept of "us") go. Break ups are heartachingly painful - you feel like you've lost a part of you that you can never quite get back.

Whichever road I decide to take, I hope I will never look back in regret and remorse.