sunday musings

I left the office at 10.00pm every day last week (with the exception of Friday) and being more than a quarter of a century old, I have no doubts my body can no longer keep up with the demands of my stressful career job. Deloitte (or any other big accounting firm) is where dreams come to die. Many accounting graduates are fooled into believing EY, PWC, KPMG or DTT guarantees you a successful career with fantastic remuneration but I blame this on their PR and Communications department for doing such a great job at brainwashing and monopolizing the freshies' naivety. I've been in this industry for 5 years (5 years is practically an eternity. The turnover is remarkably high with many of the senior staff leaving always conveniently, before the peak season) and I can attest to the fact that the glamour and prestige painted by their PR and Communications departments are misleading, false and grossly inaccurate.

The thing is, I don't know what to do with my life. This indecisiveness is what's preventing me from leaving my current job (although I hate it with the passion of a burning suns and I practically drag myself to work every day). I used to want to be a writer but obviously, that's nothing more than a fantasy now. Why, you may ask? Writers are a dime a dozen, competition is stiff and I, who have no formal education on literature or English simply do rnot belong in this sphere. It's just an insult to the real writers everywhere. I spoke about my identity (career) crisis to a friend before and he said "Not many people have the opportunity to do what they want". If you are one of those with a career that was previously your ambition, please be aware that you are indeed very privileged.

When I was younger, one of my biggest fear was that I'd end up ordinary, living an average life, every day being the carbon copy of the day before. Well, my nightmare is now my reality. At 27 years of age, I am stuck in a job I hate, I have no real estate, I am perpetually in debt, I haven't travelled anywhere out of Asia and the most heartbreaking thing is, I still have not found my true calling. There is no one to blame but myself. I lack the ambition, drive and discpline that is required to succeed. I am trully a drifter with no real destination to reach. Take a look at all the fashion bloggers out there who are 14 years old, or take Xiaxue or Timothy Tiah as examples - they became famous and are successful because they worked hard at perfecting the art of blogging. It's not like they achieved everything that they have today because someone handed it to them on a silver platter. I on the other hand, do nothing more than whine, complain and laze all day, whole day, every day.

For all my lofty ambitions when I was younger, for all my truthful ideals, if a 17 year old version of myself were to meet my current self, she would have been very disappointed with my failure and unaccomplishments. My 17 year old self would not have been able to comprehend that this is all there is to my life. Bills, income tax computations, ocassional consumption of unnecessary things, slaving away at my cubicle doing something I find no meaning in...

She would however be happy to know that I was able to conquer my life long fear of water and l finally learned how to swim.