Three and a half years ago, on the brink of self destruction, I made a monumental decision. My failed relationship implored me to remove myself physically from the places that held many fond memories and to venture somewhere new, even if it was just approximately 350 kilometres away. So I picked up the broken pieces of my heart and life, and started on a clean state. I wasn't certain what the future held for me and I dared not to hope that I'd fall in love again, it had turned into an incomprehensible concept, a theory and an equation I could no longer understand. I buried myself in work during the day and by night, I aimlessly read books, watched movies or went for dinners with strangers friends I barely knew. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't unhappy and as time passed by, I no longer thought of him in the way that lovers do.
Somewhere between then and now, I met someone, or rather someone met me. I cannot recollect what our first words were to each other, or where we went on our first date, or what I wore...all I remember was how he made me feel. Of course, cynics will say feelings are fleeting and not at all a good indication of true and sustainable love. Even so, life being as bleak and dreary as it is, the light of love shall be it's saving grace. Ivan made me believe in the existence and possibility of goodness and kindness. He represents everything I've always wanted to be but was incapable of becoming - he is unbelievably gentle, compassionate, selfless and humble. Metaphorically speaking, if he is the sun, I am the moon - dark, moody, unpredictable and prone to tantrums.
I guess for all my grievances in life, I am glad to have found someone I bicker and argue very well with, someone who gives me his unfailing support even when I seem to give him nothing but hell, and the most incredible thing is I cannot imagine anyone else in this world that I'd rather be with, for now, tomorrow and the next 50 years. So in the spirit of Chap Goh Meh and Valentine's Day, this concludes the story of how I met Ivan - fate, divine intervention, destiny.
I left the office at 10.00pm every day last week (with the exception of Friday) and being more than a quarter of a century old, I have no doubts my body can no longer keep up with the demands of my stressful career job. Deloitte (or any other big accounting firm) is where dreams come to die. Many accounting graduates are fooled into believing EY, PWC, KPMG or DTT guarantees you a successful career with fantastic remuneration but I blame this on their PR and Communications department for doing such a great job at brainwashing and monopolizing the freshies' naivety. I've been in this industry for 5 years (5 years is practically an eternity. The turnover is remarkably high with many of the senior staff leaving always conveniently, before the peak season) and I can attest to the fact that the glamour and prestige painted by their PR and Communications departments are misleading, false and grossly inaccurate.
The thing is, I don't know what to do with my life. This indecisiveness is what's preventing me from leaving my current job (although I hate it with the passion of a burning suns and I practically drag myself to work every day). I used to want to be a writer but obviously, that's nothing more than a fantasy now. Why, you may ask? Writers are a dime a dozen, competition is stiff and I, who have no formal education on literature or English simply do rnot belong in this sphere. It's just an insult to the real writers everywhere. I spoke about my identity (career) crisis to a friend before and he said "Not many people have the opportunity to do what they want". If you are one of those with a career that was previously your ambition, please be aware that you are indeed very privileged.
When I was younger, one of my biggest fear was that I'd end up ordinary, living an average life, every day being the carbon copy of the day before. Well, my nightmare is now my reality. At 27 years of age, I am stuck in a job I hate, I have no real estate, I am perpetually in debt, I haven't travelled anywhere out of Asia and the most heartbreaking thing is, I still have not found my true calling. There is no one to blame but myself. I lack the ambition, drive and discpline that is required to succeed. I am trully a drifter with no real destination to reach. Take a look at all the fashion bloggers out there who are 14 years old, or take Xiaxue or Timothy Tiah as examples - they became famous and are successful because they worked hard at perfecting the art of blogging. It's not like they achieved everything that they have today because someone handed it to them on a silver platter. I on the other hand, do nothing more than whine, complain and laze all day, whole day, every day.
For all my lofty ambitions when I was younger, for all my truthful ideals, if a 17 year old version of myself were to meet my current self, she would have been very disappointed with my failure and unaccomplishments. My 17 year old self would not have been able to comprehend that this is all there is to my life. Bills, income tax computations, ocassional consumption of unnecessary things, slaving away at my cubicle doing something I find no meaning in...
She would however be happy to know that I was able to conquer my life long fear of water and l finally learned how to swim.
Wishing all my readers near and far a very happy and prosperous new year! May the year of the dragon bring you good health, great wealth, peace and happiness.
I admire women who are in top management and good at what they do. We all know the work place is a war zone or a much exagerrated version of high school. There is plenty of back stabbing and politics involved and being merely a hard worker with proficient technical knowledge isn't sufficient to get you to the top. Achieving a role with power and authority requires social skills, a large network, the ability to be diplomatic and most importantly, allies that can help you get there. I've observed my female bosses in their natural element - they do not show one hint of emotion, are always on their feet anticipating their enemies' next moves, are extremely good with words (having extensive vocabulary and demostrate superior public speaking skills) and they possess the innate ability to manipulate people into believing they have their best interests' at heart.
I've often struggled with my relationships at work - with my colleagues especially. I work in a predominantly female environment so there is no lack of catfights, drama and estrogen running around. I try my best to detach myself away from the toxicity and negativity that surrounds the battle ground but in alienating myself, I have not had the opportunity to create successful alliances with anyone. And we all know, alliances are crucial to winning a war. They provide support and invaluable resources. Building friendships at work (or even in life) constantly remain a challenge to me - I simply do not have the patience to deal with people's inevitable personality flaws and quirks.
Now, through my years of working, I've realized that often the best reaction, when confronted with unreasonable requests and deadlines or inflicted with blame and injustice, is to not give one. Most employees (and employers) are adverse to conflicts so there are no benefits derived from flogging a dead horse. Best we can do in any given situation is to respond accordingly and simply move on. After all, there is no point winning the battle only to lose the war.
Had to excuse myself from the celebrations in conjunction with the New Year. Am having a severe case of the blues hence the need to be solitary. I am definitely an official hermit.
My resolutions for 2012: -
1) Read. Easy books do not count.
2) Study.
3) Strive to achieve a sustainable wardrobe. Avoid flirty, full skirts - too girlish and makes you look extra feminine. Check the labels for the type of fabric. Do not buy on impulse. Money is better invested in property gold (jewellry). It can be displayed on your neck, wrist, fingers and the value still does not depreciate.
4) Be vegetarian on the 15th day of the month as per the lunar calendar.
5) Donate blood at least once.
6) Find and pursue your passion. This is the something that has been eluding me most and continues to elude. I just can't seem to find an area of interest that I will both simultaneously enjoy and earn money. Whatever my passion is, I know it's not tax and I hope I find it soon.
I need a reason to wake up every day. Somewhere I look forward to going, doing something purposeful. Idleness and boredom are my old time friends and I need to dump them immediately.
Hope all of you have a prosperous 2012!
I went back home for Christmas to see my folks hence the lack of posts recently. While we do not celebrate Christmas per se, we certainly got caught up with the revelries and frenzy that the festivities caused. Traffic was maddeningly hectic, the sun was scorching hot but it trully felt like Christmas to me because I was surrounded by delectable food and people I love.
I saw this bracelet (10 grams of 916 gold) which was approximately 2 grand in a goldsmith shop at Campbell Street and I came out of the shop severely devastated because yet again, my bank account has failed me.
Some other snapshots...
And finally, Happy New Year to one and all! It's my favorite holiday because it's a universal celebration - everybody gets together to usher in the new year!
Some christmas decoration at my office for the Secret Santa event. I got a lousy bracelet charm that probably cost less than RM10 (the budget was RM10 - RM15). Last year, I received a hair clip. I actually confronted the giver about this (yes, yes, I reek of immaturity). I swear, she and her friends must have bitched about me. What are the odds that her friend turned out to be my Secret Santa this year? That whole team must hate my guts. Whatevs.
I gave out a Hello Kitty shower gel that cost me RM15 (exclusive of wrapping which was another RM3).
Karma isn't really on my side this time. Never mind, there's always next year.
Awesome meringue and tarts (not forgetting the gingerbread man) from Thyme, Damansara Uptown. I'm in love with their cream cheese buns (not shown) which I consume on an almost daily basis. No wonder my cellulite refuse to leave my ass.
I went a little crazy over the weekend (thank you PMS) and spent an excessive amount of hard earned money at Zara. I'm reeling with shock right now and the consequences are finally registering - no money for my annual check up at the local dentist and also, Christmas presents for family / friends and some membership fees I have to pay to the accounting board. On top of all this, I am still in debt (like massive debt thanks to the handbag which I have yet to finish paying off to my debtor).
I don't know how I ended up in the accounting and finance industry when my own finances are in such a dire situation. To make things even worse, the temptation to spend is everywhere...weekends are the absolute worse, given all that idle time. Maybe I should take up an inexpensive hobby, like bird watching or something.
Does anybody know how I can generate more income for myself to fund my passion for acquiring stuff? Help...I am held captive by materialism!
This was what I wore yesterday to a newborn's full moon party. I figured that bright colors are appropriate for happy, joyous ocassions like these! The shirt is made of silk and it's rather loose but I think it's meant to be oversized to achieve that casual, breezy look.
I saw "Bad Teacher" on DVD yesterday and I want Cameron Diaz's wardrobe in the movie! Although the movie got panned by critics and received a 5.8 rating on imdb.com, I enjoyed it very much. I liked the fact that she was a bitch, had very few redeeming qualities and made no apologies about it. I cannot stand "Mary Sues" - fictional characters that can do no wrong and has every male fawning over her physical good looks and her heart full of love, compassion, kindness and virtue.
I am currently reading Haruki Murakami's IQ84. He used to be my favorite author (I reread Kafka on the Shore many, many times), but I'm not sure if that's still prevalent. Maybe I've become lazier and can no longer digest long, epic novels.
I also made a strawberry slice cake and packed some for the boyfriend (if you've been following my entries closely, you'd picked up that we had a spat recently which resulted in us not seeing or speaking to each other for appoximately 14 days). Sc-hweet!!
The truth was...I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. Yet the incomprehensible has become my present reality and I am amazed at how (relatively) easy it is to revert to existing without being with you. And then I wonder, if it is easy for me, then it must be a breeze in the park for you. Although I am constantly surrounded by places and objects that remind me of you, I refuse to acknowledge the loneliness and pain. I keep telling myself to be strong and go on. In saying that, I have successfully deluded myself into believing that I can go on living without you.
It's funny how the sun still shines and the clock still ticks, even when your own world has collapsed into shambles. Maybe life really does go on. Maybe in the near future, the memory of us will be just that, a kaleidoscope of moments and events that have past, are gone and will never be found again. Or maybe, better still, we'll create a future we never envisoned we could have.
I went for a facial today and now, it looks like there are a handful of red spots on the left side of my forehead :(. Sighh....I am so envious of those girls with dewy, rosy, blemish free, glowing complexion. Why is the state of my skin deteriorating and what can I do to rectify this problem?
A few weeks ago, when the SEA games were still going on, one of the dispatch guys in my office told his colleague "Eh, you tak nampak ke...KW dalam televisyen?" KW refers to a national volleyball player who also happens to be my cubicle mate. I don't know why but I kind of found this exchange cute. Number one, the dispatch guy is in his 50s and number two, he is Malay and KW is Chinese. Moments like these convinces me that the spirit of 1 Malaysia is more than a propaganda instigated by the government, but rather something real and achievable.
Didn't take much photos the past week due to a horrific exam, commencement of work and other inconsequential matters which were not worthy of being captured. Things to do this coming week: fight cellulite (Please leave my ass, you are unattractive), go see a world renowned choir in the philharmonic hall, wear a leopard print pussy bow top, eat more fruits and attempt to figure out what doing the right thing means.
I am such a wannabe. I wanna be Rumi Neely. If you haven't heard of her before, google her up please. She's only like the best fashion blogger ever and I want her life. But then again, I seem to want everyone else's life except my own. I discovered through FB that an ex flame has somehow magically gotten hitched. I sort of convinced myself that he would have spent all the time that we were apart pining for me. I was upset, envious (at his wife) and sulked for a while. Not because I particularly want to be with him, but in a strange, surreal kind of way, I felt that he chose her over me.
And rejection hurts, even at a metaphysical level. Sometimes I wonder if we ever trully get over our ex lovers. Or does a part of them remain in you forever? When you lose the person, do you lose a part of yourself as well? Before I fall asleep every night, I tend to play accidental scenes from childhood in my brain. I see friends I haven't spoken to in years. They appear in my head like a reel from an old movie. I am tempted to poke, message, call, e-mail but when the new day begins, I lose courage and tell myself to let sleeping dogs lie. I guess I no longer know what to say to them. Somewhere along the way, we have allowed ourselves to become complete strangers.
I mourn the memory of you, of us, of our past and shared history.
"Ships that pass in the night,
and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the
darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look
and a voice, then darkness again and a silence".
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow-
I've been thinking of starting my own business for a while now ever since the downsizing and restructuring that has taken effect at my work place. Relying solely on employment income these days is just insufficient. Yeah sure, it's enough to sustain your day-to-day living ("kais makan pagi, kais makan petang") but it does not provide you with opportunities to buy stuff and do the things that you really want. I'm constantly amazed by the rising costs of living (yes I know this has got to be the most repeated phrase ever). I don't know if it's just a country specific thing but Malaysia is ridiculously expensive from the perspective of a consumer. Our purchasing power, ringgit and earnings are sub par and low. My monthly income goes to rent, utility bills, parking fees (nothing is for free yo!) car installment, fuel, groceries, a small contribution to my parents, meals and other random, unforeseen and unpredictable expenditures. This does not leave me much money for savings or shopping excursions, let alone money to set aside for travels. How do people afford travelling? It's a legitimate question and one that I would love to have the answer to. Do banks offer short term loans solely for the purpose of travelling? Like a travel loan?
Being in the accounting and finance industry and more specifically, preparing tax returns for rich people, I am aware that some jobs in certain industries are highly well paying. Engineering in oil and gas companies for instance. Those folks in exploration and down stream activities earn six, seven figures per annum (salary, benefits, allowance, etc), inclusive of incentive compensation (restricted stocks, share options, employee purchase plans, etc). Banking is also another lucrative industry with their huge bonuses and other performance related rewards. The rest of us who are unfortunately not engineers, investment bankers, consultants or partners in accounting firms earn a less than marginal income. We are overworked, underpaid and we have zero quality of life. We go through an unlimited amount of stress, conflict and challenges every day. We are expected to deliver, meet and exceed goals, objectives that has been set. Some of us may be rewarded for our hardwork in lieu of a promotion, increment in salary or bonuses. Of course, the possibility that your hardwork may go unnoticed is warranted, if you have zero political skills or ass kissing abilities, you are likely to receive a big fat zero.
Which leads me back to my concern - seeing that my current employment is unprofitable, costly (stress, parking, unpaid overtime ("charity"), etc) and unequitable, I have decided to perhaps start my own business. Probably just a small one first and we'll see how it goes. I'll probably make stuff to sell. My idea - party favors. Of course there's a whole list of issues to consider before commencing (capital, resources, consumer needs, market price, etc) but if I do not start somewhere, I will probably get nowhere. And nowhere is not a destination I desire to be at.
So, stay tuned!!!
All those people condemning the global mourning of Steve Jobs ought to be shot for their lack of sensitivity. What is wrong with the outpouring of grief over a revolutionary inventor and respected businessman for his immense contributions to society? Of course, thousands of people die daily, many of which are senseless. Deaths are inevitable and we were born to die. What made his death different from other deaths was that he was an icon, an inspiration to millions of computer geeks and aspriring entrepreneurs. He was courageous. He dared to be different. People may not have a personal connection to him but the emotional connection that a user has with his or her I-Phone / I-Pad / I-Pod may well translate into a personal connection with the inventor himself.
We acknowledge his death and we celebrate his life. Why is this frowned upon by naysayers who critisize that we are over the top with our sentimentality and expressions of grief? Say I meet a friend who's relative has died, would I not say "Sorry to hear about your loss"? My hypothetical friend and his or her relative who died is unknown to me, so should I not extend my condolences? Is this hypocritical? Am I demeaning and belittling the deaths of other people? As if implying that their deaths are not as important?
All these negative people should get a life. They are probably just jealous of Steve Jobs and the fact that when they do die, their passing will never generate such an enormous amount of attention. Changing the world and the way we live is no easy feat. Recognition should be given when it's due. He makes us believe that with determination and imagination, the possibilities are infinite. And that creation of hope itself is trully more profound and life changing than any of his inventions.
