Three and a half years ago, on the brink of self destruction, I made a monumental decision. My failed relationship implored me to remove myself physically from the places that held many fond memories and to venture somewhere new, even if it was just approximately 350 kilometres away. So I picked up the broken pieces of my heart and life, and started on a clean state. I wasn't certain what the future held for me and I dared not to hope that I'd fall in love again, it had turned into an incomprehensible concept, a theory and an equation I could no longer understand. I buried myself in work during the day and by night, I aimlessly read books, watched movies or went for dinners with strangers friends I barely knew. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't unhappy and as time passed by, I no longer thought of him in the way that lovers do.
Somewhere between then and now, I met someone, or rather someone met me. I cannot recollect what our first words were to each other, or where we went on our first date, or what I wore...all I remember was how he made me feel. Of course, cynics will say feelings are fleeting and not at all a good indication of true and sustainable love. Even so, life being as bleak and dreary as it is, the light of love shall be it's saving grace. Ivan made me believe in the existence and possibility of goodness and kindness. He represents everything I've always wanted to be but was incapable of becoming - he is unbelievably gentle, compassionate, selfless and humble. Metaphorically speaking, if he is the sun, I am the moon - dark, moody, unpredictable and prone to tantrums.
I guess for all my grievances in life, I am glad to have found someone I bicker and argue very well with, someone who gives me his unfailing support even when I seem to give him nothing but hell, and the most incredible thing is I cannot imagine anyone else in this world that I'd rather be with, for now, tomorrow and the next 50 years. So in the spirit of Chap Goh Meh and Valentine's Day, this concludes the story of how I met Ivan - fate, divine intervention, destiny.
I left the office at 10.00pm every day last week (with the exception of Friday) and being more than a quarter of a century old, I have no doubts my body can no longer keep up with the demands of my stressful career job. Deloitte (or any other big accounting firm) is where dreams come to die. Many accounting graduates are fooled into believing EY, PWC, KPMG or DTT guarantees you a successful career with fantastic remuneration but I blame this on their PR and Communications department for doing such a great job at brainwashing and monopolizing the freshies' naivety. I've been in this industry for 5 years (5 years is practically an eternity. The turnover is remarkably high with many of the senior staff leaving always conveniently, before the peak season) and I can attest to the fact that the glamour and prestige painted by their PR and Communications departments are misleading, false and grossly inaccurate.
The thing is, I don't know what to do with my life. This indecisiveness is what's preventing me from leaving my current job (although I hate it with the passion of a burning suns and I practically drag myself to work every day). I used to want to be a writer but obviously, that's nothing more than a fantasy now. Why, you may ask? Writers are a dime a dozen, competition is stiff and I, who have no formal education on literature or English simply do rnot belong in this sphere. It's just an insult to the real writers everywhere. I spoke about my identity (career) crisis to a friend before and he said "Not many people have the opportunity to do what they want". If you are one of those with a career that was previously your ambition, please be aware that you are indeed very privileged.
When I was younger, one of my biggest fear was that I'd end up ordinary, living an average life, every day being the carbon copy of the day before. Well, my nightmare is now my reality. At 27 years of age, I am stuck in a job I hate, I have no real estate, I am perpetually in debt, I haven't travelled anywhere out of Asia and the most heartbreaking thing is, I still have not found my true calling. There is no one to blame but myself. I lack the ambition, drive and discpline that is required to succeed. I am trully a drifter with no real destination to reach. Take a look at all the fashion bloggers out there who are 14 years old, or take Xiaxue or Timothy Tiah as examples - they became famous and are successful because they worked hard at perfecting the art of blogging. It's not like they achieved everything that they have today because someone handed it to them on a silver platter. I on the other hand, do nothing more than whine, complain and laze all day, whole day, every day.
For all my lofty ambitions when I was younger, for all my truthful ideals, if a 17 year old version of myself were to meet my current self, she would have been very disappointed with my failure and unaccomplishments. My 17 year old self would not have been able to comprehend that this is all there is to my life. Bills, income tax computations, ocassional consumption of unnecessary things, slaving away at my cubicle doing something I find no meaning in...
She would however be happy to know that I was able to conquer my life long fear of water and l finally learned how to swim.
Had to excuse myself from the celebrations in conjunction with the New Year. Am having a severe case of the blues hence the need to be solitary. I am definitely an official hermit.
My resolutions for 2012: -
1) Read. Easy books do not count.
2) Study.
3) Strive to achieve a sustainable wardrobe. Avoid flirty, full skirts - too girlish and makes you look extra feminine. Check the labels for the type of fabric. Do not buy on impulse. Money is better invested in property gold (jewellry). It can be displayed on your neck, wrist, fingers and the value still does not depreciate.
4) Be vegetarian on the 15th day of the month as per the lunar calendar.
5) Donate blood at least once.
6) Find and pursue your passion. This is the something that has been eluding me most and continues to elude. I just can't seem to find an area of interest that I will both simultaneously enjoy and earn money. Whatever my passion is, I know it's not tax and I hope I find it soon.
I need a reason to wake up every day. Somewhere I look forward to going, doing something purposeful. Idleness and boredom are my old time friends and I need to dump them immediately.
Hope all of you have a prosperous 2012!
The truth was...I couldn't imagine a life without you in it. Yet the incomprehensible has become my present reality and I am amazed at how (relatively) easy it is to revert to existing without being with you. And then I wonder, if it is easy for me, then it must be a breeze in the park for you. Although I am constantly surrounded by places and objects that remind me of you, I refuse to acknowledge the loneliness and pain. I keep telling myself to be strong and go on. In saying that, I have successfully deluded myself into believing that I can go on living without you.
It's funny how the sun still shines and the clock still ticks, even when your own world has collapsed into shambles. Maybe life really does go on. Maybe in the near future, the memory of us will be just that, a kaleidoscope of moments and events that have past, are gone and will never be found again. Or maybe, better still, we'll create a future we never envisoned we could have.
sob sob...Monday is upon us once again. I hate Mondays with the passion of a burning suns. Starting your week with e-mails that read as follows:
1) Where are we on this?
2) What's the progress on this?
3) Why have we not done this?
4) I'm surprised this has not been done
5) I'm shocked this has been done
are not only depressing but also demotivating and crushes your very soul. She (the boss) is merely a user and an abuser. She loves to trick (con) her team into accepting opportunities that she deems is good for our careers but her intention is actually to make slaves out of us. Don't think I can't see through your conniving ways, bossie
:-)!
I bought a cobalt blue cardigan yesterday but the length almost reaches my knee. It resembles a bathrobe so maybe I'll wear it at home instead over sleep wear. When it comes to shopping, I have zero clue how to buy clothes or shoes that are sustainable. Everything wears and tears so easily thanks to clothing manufacturers that compromise on quality for the sake of reducing costs.
I'm currently re-reading "One Day" by David Nicholls. I wonder if the movie is any good. Anne Hathaway grates on my nerves (only second to Natalie Portman). Maybe I'm unconsciously jealous of her boobies body. Into the Wild (Jon Krakauer) is also on my reading list but I can't seem to follow as it's just too sad. How does one turn his back from civilization, walk away and live a life devoid of material things? The mysteries of the human mind never ceases to amaze me.
On an unrelated note, Oh, to live the life of a lingerie model. Miranda Kerr and Doutzen Kroes, no one else makes motherhood as appealing and attractive as the two of you!
I wore this to work yesterday - my pussy bow leopard print blouse which I purchased a couple of weeks back. It was well received by my colleagues; someone even commented that I looked like one of the partners in the firm which was a huge compliment (to me anyway) because she's got some style!
Tomorrow is casual Friday at work so I'll be wearing my skinnies and because the weather is cool these days I'll also throw in a navy blazer for good measure :-). Bring on the weekend, I wanna do some baking, make a card for one of my best friend's birthday in December and watch DVDs. For those who haven't seen it, please go watch Melancholia - if only for the opening and closing scenes. The final shots totally blew me away. A few nights ago, I could relate to how Kristen Dunst's character's felt before the planet collided with Earth - calm, serene and accepting of her fate. Tonight, not so much. As humans, our natural instinct is to survive and thrive, whatever challenges that may come our way.
The places only life can take you to are often dark and dreary. However, the paradox lies in the fact that it is also undeniably magical and compelling, if you look hard and close enough.
I am such a wannabe. I wanna be Rumi Neely. If you haven't heard of her before, google her up please. She's only like the best fashion blogger ever and I want her life. But then again, I seem to want everyone else's life except my own. I discovered through FB that an ex flame has somehow magically gotten hitched. I sort of convinced myself that he would have spent all the time that we were apart pining for me. I was upset, envious (at his wife) and sulked for a while. Not because I particularly want to be with him, but in a strange, surreal kind of way, I felt that he chose her over me.
And rejection hurts, even at a metaphysical level. Sometimes I wonder if we ever trully get over our ex lovers. Or does a part of them remain in you forever? When you lose the person, do you lose a part of yourself as well? Before I fall asleep every night, I tend to play accidental scenes from childhood in my brain. I see friends I haven't spoken to in years. They appear in my head like a reel from an old movie. I am tempted to poke, message, call, e-mail but when the new day begins, I lose courage and tell myself to let sleeping dogs lie. I guess I no longer know what to say to them. Somewhere along the way, we have allowed ourselves to become complete strangers.
I mourn the memory of you, of us, of our past and shared history.
"Ships that pass in the night,
and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the
darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look
and a voice, then darkness again and a silence".
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow-
