I left the office at 10.00pm every day last week (with the exception of Friday) and being more than a quarter of a century old, I have no doubts my body can no longer keep up with the demands of my stressful career job. Deloitte (or any other big accounting firm) is where dreams come to die. Many accounting graduates are fooled into believing EY, PWC, KPMG or DTT guarantees you a successful career with fantastic remuneration but I blame this on their PR and Communications department for doing such a great job at brainwashing and monopolizing the freshies' naivety. I've been in this industry for 5 years (5 years is practically an eternity. The turnover is remarkably high with many of the senior staff leaving always conveniently, before the peak season) and I can attest to the fact that the glamour and prestige painted by their PR and Communications departments are misleading, false and grossly inaccurate.
The thing is, I don't know what to do with my life. This indecisiveness is what's preventing me from leaving my current job (although I hate it with the passion of a burning suns and I practically drag myself to work every day). I used to want to be a writer but obviously, that's nothing more than a fantasy now. Why, you may ask? Writers are a dime a dozen, competition is stiff and I, who have no formal education on literature or English simply do rnot belong in this sphere. It's just an insult to the real writers everywhere. I spoke about my identity (career) crisis to a friend before and he said "Not many people have the opportunity to do what they want". If you are one of those with a career that was previously your ambition, please be aware that you are indeed very privileged.
When I was younger, one of my biggest fear was that I'd end up ordinary, living an average life, every day being the carbon copy of the day before. Well, my nightmare is now my reality. At 27 years of age, I am stuck in a job I hate, I have no real estate, I am perpetually in debt, I haven't travelled anywhere out of Asia and the most heartbreaking thing is, I still have not found my true calling. There is no one to blame but myself. I lack the ambition, drive and discpline that is required to succeed. I am trully a drifter with no real destination to reach. Take a look at all the fashion bloggers out there who are 14 years old, or take Xiaxue or Timothy Tiah as examples - they became famous and are successful because they worked hard at perfecting the art of blogging. It's not like they achieved everything that they have today because someone handed it to them on a silver platter. I on the other hand, do nothing more than whine, complain and laze all day, whole day, every day.
For all my lofty ambitions when I was younger, for all my truthful ideals, if a 17 year old version of myself were to meet my current self, she would have been very disappointed with my failure and unaccomplishments. My 17 year old self would not have been able to comprehend that this is all there is to my life. Bills, income tax computations, ocassional consumption of unnecessary things, slaving away at my cubicle doing something I find no meaning in...
She would however be happy to know that I was able to conquer my life long fear of water and l finally learned how to swim.
I admire women who are in top management and good at what they do. We all know the work place is a war zone or a much exagerrated version of high school. There is plenty of back stabbing and politics involved and being merely a hard worker with proficient technical knowledge isn't sufficient to get you to the top. Achieving a role with power and authority requires social skills, a large network, the ability to be diplomatic and most importantly, allies that can help you get there. I've observed my female bosses in their natural element - they do not show one hint of emotion, are always on their feet anticipating their enemies' next moves, are extremely good with words (having extensive vocabulary and demostrate superior public speaking skills) and they possess the innate ability to manipulate people into believing they have their best interests' at heart.
I've often struggled with my relationships at work - with my colleagues especially. I work in a predominantly female environment so there is no lack of catfights, drama and estrogen running around. I try my best to detach myself away from the toxicity and negativity that surrounds the battle ground but in alienating myself, I have not had the opportunity to create successful alliances with anyone. And we all know, alliances are crucial to winning a war. They provide support and invaluable resources. Building friendships at work (or even in life) constantly remain a challenge to me - I simply do not have the patience to deal with people's inevitable personality flaws and quirks.
Now, through my years of working, I've realized that often the best reaction, when confronted with unreasonable requests and deadlines or inflicted with blame and injustice, is to not give one. Most employees (and employers) are adverse to conflicts so there are no benefits derived from flogging a dead horse. Best we can do in any given situation is to respond accordingly and simply move on. After all, there is no point winning the battle only to lose the war.
Some christmas decoration at my office for the Secret Santa event. I got a lousy bracelet charm that probably cost less than RM10 (the budget was RM10 - RM15). Last year, I received a hair clip. I actually confronted the giver about this (yes, yes, I reek of immaturity). I swear, she and her friends must have bitched about me. What are the odds that her friend turned out to be my Secret Santa this year? That whole team must hate my guts. Whatevs.
I gave out a Hello Kitty shower gel that cost me RM15 (exclusive of wrapping which was another RM3).
Karma isn't really on my side this time. Never mind, there's always next year.
Awesome meringue and tarts (not forgetting the gingerbread man) from Thyme, Damansara Uptown. I'm in love with their cream cheese buns (not shown) which I consume on an almost daily basis. No wonder my cellulite refuse to leave my ass.
sob sob...Monday is upon us once again. I hate Mondays with the passion of a burning suns. Starting your week with e-mails that read as follows:
1) Where are we on this?
2) What's the progress on this?
3) Why have we not done this?
4) I'm surprised this has not been done
5) I'm shocked this has been done
are not only depressing but also demotivating and crushes your very soul. She (the boss) is merely a user and an abuser. She loves to trick (con) her team into accepting opportunities that she deems is good for our careers but her intention is actually to make slaves out of us. Don't think I can't see through your conniving ways, bossie
:-)!
I bought a cobalt blue cardigan yesterday but the length almost reaches my knee. It resembles a bathrobe so maybe I'll wear it at home instead over sleep wear. When it comes to shopping, I have zero clue how to buy clothes or shoes that are sustainable. Everything wears and tears so easily thanks to clothing manufacturers that compromise on quality for the sake of reducing costs.
I'm currently re-reading "One Day" by David Nicholls. I wonder if the movie is any good. Anne Hathaway grates on my nerves (only second to Natalie Portman). Maybe I'm unconsciously jealous of her boobies body. Into the Wild (Jon Krakauer) is also on my reading list but I can't seem to follow as it's just too sad. How does one turn his back from civilization, walk away and live a life devoid of material things? The mysteries of the human mind never ceases to amaze me.
On an unrelated note, Oh, to live the life of a lingerie model. Miranda Kerr and Doutzen Kroes, no one else makes motherhood as appealing and attractive as the two of you!
I've been thinking of starting my own business for a while now ever since the downsizing and restructuring that has taken effect at my work place. Relying solely on employment income these days is just insufficient. Yeah sure, it's enough to sustain your day-to-day living ("kais makan pagi, kais makan petang") but it does not provide you with opportunities to buy stuff and do the things that you really want. I'm constantly amazed by the rising costs of living (yes I know this has got to be the most repeated phrase ever). I don't know if it's just a country specific thing but Malaysia is ridiculously expensive from the perspective of a consumer. Our purchasing power, ringgit and earnings are sub par and low. My monthly income goes to rent, utility bills, parking fees (nothing is for free yo!) car installment, fuel, groceries, a small contribution to my parents, meals and other random, unforeseen and unpredictable expenditures. This does not leave me much money for savings or shopping excursions, let alone money to set aside for travels. How do people afford travelling? It's a legitimate question and one that I would love to have the answer to. Do banks offer short term loans solely for the purpose of travelling? Like a travel loan?
Being in the accounting and finance industry and more specifically, preparing tax returns for rich people, I am aware that some jobs in certain industries are highly well paying. Engineering in oil and gas companies for instance. Those folks in exploration and down stream activities earn six, seven figures per annum (salary, benefits, allowance, etc), inclusive of incentive compensation (restricted stocks, share options, employee purchase plans, etc). Banking is also another lucrative industry with their huge bonuses and other performance related rewards. The rest of us who are unfortunately not engineers, investment bankers, consultants or partners in accounting firms earn a less than marginal income. We are overworked, underpaid and we have zero quality of life. We go through an unlimited amount of stress, conflict and challenges every day. We are expected to deliver, meet and exceed goals, objectives that has been set. Some of us may be rewarded for our hardwork in lieu of a promotion, increment in salary or bonuses. Of course, the possibility that your hardwork may go unnoticed is warranted, if you have zero political skills or ass kissing abilities, you are likely to receive a big fat zero.
Which leads me back to my concern - seeing that my current employment is unprofitable, costly (stress, parking, unpaid overtime ("charity"), etc) and unequitable, I have decided to perhaps start my own business. Probably just a small one first and we'll see how it goes. I'll probably make stuff to sell. My idea - party favors. Of course there's a whole list of issues to consider before commencing (capital, resources, consumer needs, market price, etc) but if I do not start somewhere, I will probably get nowhere. And nowhere is not a destination I desire to be at.
So, stay tuned!!!
