I know I need to do something and change my life (my job especially!) instead of moping around, stalking random people on FB but it is so damn hard trying to break this habit of obsessing. I had a mini meltdown today at work. One of my colleagues kept asking me nonsensical, redundant questions like how was breakfast, how was lunch, how was dinner... I went over the edge and told her off. On g talk of course, nobody talks face to face anymore.

In case any of you reading this think I whine too much and do too little, for the record, I have been applying for jobs online. It is not my fault that the job opportunities for editors are so few. There were a couple of prospective employers (namely The Edge and RHB) that called me up for interviews late last year but due to a negative leave balance, I had to decline their invitations.  And it is not in my character to take a last minute MC (mostly due to fear of being judged and subsequently ostracized by my peers. For your information, I was given the silent treatment by my bosses and peers alike in my previous company when they found out I was leaving. My termination was 2 months so they pretty much shut me off for that amount of time. In their eyes, I was a traitor and I was beyond redemption. On my last day, my perpetrators continued to ignore me. In fact, the Queen Bee of the group wrote on her g talk status that she would never accept me as a group member. I never recovered from that trauma and this explains why I have this insatiable desire to be liked). In hindsight, I should have taken the risk (of being treated like a pariah) and gone for the interviews anyway, especially the RHB one. I am so unhappy at work right now that it eclipses the pain that follows a broken relationship. 

I guess this explains why I hardly think of you all that much. And even if I do, the thoughts are predominantly negative ones. I remember wanting to push you down the building of a mall, screaming in the parking lot, I remember not wanting to take selfies with you, not allowing you to drive my mother's car, I remember arguing over a diverse range of both serious and frivolous issues - the ethics of abortion, euthanasia, homosexuality, my negativity, your optimism...My memories of the time we spent together (5 years in totality) are becoming unreliable because at this point, I can't seem to conjure any happy memories and I know we did have some. Oh here is one, we used to make fun and laugh at other couples for their public displays of affection. 

Sometimes I feel incredibly lonely at home, especially on a Friday night like tonight. The silence is incredibly deafening even for someone like me who appreciates peace and quiet. I spent the last weekend not speaking to anyone (except for cashiers at shops and virtual communication with friends) and this weekend is likely to be the same. I could call some friends and hang out but I rather not as this would mean I’d have to be social and entertain their intrusive questions. I am certainly a walking contradiction – I am lonely and yet I hate people.

I instant messaged my boss at work today and told her I’d like to exchange books with her. I hope she doesn’t think I am sucking up to her. I genuinely want to get to know her better. I told her I’d bring ‘Life of Pi’ for her on Monday. She said she doesn’t like profound books as she doesn’t like to think too much and life is depressing enough as it is, but I told her to give it a shot anyway. I personally think Life of Pi is a sad story although Pi survives, because he lost his entire family and had to endure months of misery, lost at sea. The book talks about religion, and argues for the case of God’s existence, but if I was Pi and if I had to go through what he did, I would have lost my faith long ago.

You used to tell me that you could never understand the fundamentals of suffering, even as a believer. But in our limited human ability to comprehend, it is not up to us to question God’s ways. I desperately wanted to believe you; that we are all one lifetime away from paradise, but I never could and I envy you, because you do and you are a much happier person for it.