Today was a bad day. I received a piece of news at work which didn't exactly shock me (I definitely saw this one coming) but it didn't thrill me either. I wish this would be resolved already, I am tired of sitting around speculating and waiting for confirmation. Some idiotic guy's bag also rolled over my feet while I was walking on the way back from work and he did not even have the courtesy to apologise. One day, I will really lose it and create a scene by shouting and screaming like the maniac that I am. 

Tomorrow is a state holiday but unfortunately our company does not observe Thaipusam so I will be stuck at work. In the spirit of mourning (because I will be in the office), I shall wear my new black dress from Uniglo. 

I saw some old pictures of you and your female friend on Facebook and I must say, you guys look adorable together. You two look like a real couple, like you belong to each other which is so unlike any of the (rare) photographs that we ever took. You even had your arm around her shoulders, that was probably a friendly gesture and even if it was not purely platonic, I sure as heck do not have the privilege to be jealous. 

I have made an appointment with the hairdresser at the ground floor of my apartment tomorrow at 7pm. CNY is approaching so gotta snip the "soi" away! Especially in the year of the horse which is bound to bring conflict to those born in the year of the rat. But then again, Chinese horoscopes cannot be read so generally, for accurate assessment of your fortunes, you will need to consult a feng shui master / geomancer, who will need further information (ie date and time of birth forms part of the crucial information required). I have actually contacted my friend's mother, who is Joey Yap's student for a session (since my life has pretty much to gone to the dumps since 6 years ago) and I am waiting for her to revert. Fees are not cheap but I rather pay and have peace of mind rather than walk around aimlessly, wondering why life is just a series of unfortunate events! 

Things to do while we are on a prolonged sabbatical:

1. Fix light bulbs
2. Buy bus tickets
3. Change SIM card
4. Go watch a movie alone
5. Read
6. Job hunt so I can leave my toxic company which gives me a monthly income but erodes my soul! I hate open plan offices! Proof that I am not the only one. http://www.theguardian.com/news/2013/nov/18/open-plan-offices-bad-harvard-business-review 

I am the world's biggest loner and introversion pretty much defines who I am. I cannot interact when I know 5 other people may be listening, hanging on to my every word and silently judging me. Sometimes, I can't even walk to the toilet or go outside to take a confidential phone call because I know that there are people watching my every move. Also, I sit next to my boss. How is that for "soi" (misfortune)? 

FYI, I was socially ostracized and emotionally bullied by a group of mean girls in my previous company for about a year, so perhaps this may have rendered me completely incapable of acting like a normal human being. I am now constantly on the edge, anxious, self conscious, paranoid and I live in perpetual fear, that one day, my colleagues may turn on me again, like how they did previously. And that kind of social isolation and humiliation changes you forever, it damages you to the point that you become a shadow of your former self. I could never understand why I became a victim of such hostility and it confirmed my belief that life is completely and totally unjust. That you can just be an innocent bystander and still be injured by evil forces beyond your control (so much for free will). 

The truth is that the fear never leaves you. You pretend that this time, it will be different, it will not happen again.  And yet there is that nagging fear, however small, that you just never know. Your enemies are closer than you think.