post dated 23 February 2007

I had exactly One Hundred and Forty posts on my now defunct blog. For the past three years, it was my coping mechanism - the blog saw me through many broken friendships, one unrequited crush and several other failings in life. As much as it pains me to whine on my own blog no less, I was hurt, for the longest time. I questioned my diminishing faith in God and concluded that God was merely an inactive observer whose presence (or absence) is irrelevant. I acquired a whole new wardrobe, in hopes that beautiful dresses and smart shirts would fill up the missing gaps in my life. It did, for a while, whenever I pranced around in something new and shiny, I felt on top of the world until someone even more stunning came around. I tried reading 19th century literature only to almost never finish them, I watched hundreds of DVDs thinking that I will learn from characters in movies, I listened to songs with melodies so melancholy and lyrics so awfully sad, I felt even worse than before.

Eventually I recovered. The retail therapy (but of course!) continued but I stopped blaming the rest of the world and it's 6 billion population for all of my woes. I accepted things for what they were and came to understand that most of the unfortunate events in this universe were beyond anyone's control. Bad things happen to good people and vice versa. Pain and suffering do not discriminate and we are all at Nature's mercy. Somewhere along the way, I grew a conscience and compassion; I tried to treat all men with the respect they probably deserve and started to be nicer towards my fellow humankind. Of course, my efforts were often thwarted, instead of appreciating my kind words and genuine concern, I was blatantly ignored in favour of other people who were not as forebearing as I was but who were prettier, richer and definitely more successful. I think I was like this annoying bad tooth that would never leave.

Anyway I deleted the fucking blog. I do not want to have any kind of reminder on the person I once was, so eager to please and desperate for acknowledgement. I am a changed person today, not quite sophisticated enough to be completely emotionless and cold hearted, but definitely more indifferent. It's okay if they hate my shoes, think I'm a disgust to society or if they just don't like me, I no longer care. At some point, you give up and live only for yourself.